Lately I’ve felt a need to redirect. I’ve spent my life doing that but it has always been motivated by new knowledge or the direction my life has taken naturally. These recent feelings have been motivated by desire. I desire to move on to the next level of awareness. So, I’m actually making the conscience decision to look at the truth of what I decided about myself years ago and see if I can un-be that truth and rebuild myself internally from the ground up. I’m going about this by examining all the ways I tell myself who I am, all the ways I label myself and all the things I think I know for sure. It’s not that I don’t accept myself. None of what I’m doing is to shed light on what I see as negative about myself. It’s all in the name of changing the tape.
When I think on this I envision the handheld recorders we had as children a few decades back. The ones you had to push both the play and record button at the same time in order to record. I see my life being recorded on a single cassette tape that I carry with me. Everything is on it. When I got things right, when I got them wrong, when I learned a lesson, when I was misinformed, when I was hurt, when I was happy, what I know of various religions, what I feel is wrong and right, what I know about myself, what I think others think of me, what I dream about, what I want from life and if I believe I can attain what I want and dream of. Obviously as long as I carry this one tape with me through life, then I’m never letting go of the things that did not serve me well in the past or are not serving me well now. I thought about turning it over and using the B side but I want a fresh start. So, instead of flipping the tape I am choosing to change the tape completely.
Just a tiny side note: Since I started this path I’ve had this thing where at times in the day I become hugely aware of my body. I just try to feel every ounce of what makes up me from the inside and I mentally allow myself to expand my awareness out to the full extent that my form exists. In doing this I get this feeling that this is the first time in my life that I’ve stood completely in my body. It’s like I’ve gone through life only using a portion of it and that portion was a little space I lumped up in shying away from being all of me. Try it if you will or if you can. I don’t know if it comes from making a conscience decision to do so or if your conscience does it once you are ready but it’s amazing.