Thursday, April 25, 2019

I am Sighing a Breath of Peace



While I plot out my path into this wild world I’m always thinking about my lessons. I never stop thinking about learning, will I learn anything from this, have I taken everything from the situation that I can and/or is there a limit that I should reach or have reached in by ability to learn. I’m never satisfied with the me that I am. I’m always striving to be better. You cannot see this. You may suspect it but you can’t see that I’m doing this when I’m doing it. And…I don’t know your struggles either.

I always write about the things that I’ve come to know on my blog and I do it because I want to teach from and share my struggles so that maybe someone else might not have to go through the same thing.

Today I want to talk about something I see as probably my greatest struggle. Here goes, I’m going to say this out loud. My relationship with both of my parents. It’s not so much that I cannot forgive them as much as it is that I cannot forgive myself for not wanting to keep up with this charade. I don’t want to dig down into the specifics but I will say this and be done. My mother and stepfather did not like me, their faces soured to see me walk into the room and I knew and still know that they counted every second until I’d finally be gone. My mother told my grandparents that about me and my brothers. My father just disappeared for a decade and then expected me to just act like that didn’t happen and also expected me to always be responsible for making sure we had a relationship. Well, both my parents did and still do that last thing.

Okay, so I’ve whined about the poor me part of this story and I know for people who don’t have parents that it would seem like just having parents would be enough to be grateful for. I get that but there are plenty of holes I’ve left in this story that are not necessary to tell the things I’m about to say.

I do forgive my parents. I know they are human, I’m human and we all make mistakes. I just think we have finished the roles we were supposed to play in each other’s lives. I talk a big game about how I don’t care what other people think of me but in this case, I hate when people judge me for not visiting my parents. I just got tired of having to carry the entire relationship responsibilities all on my own, my whole life. If my parents are open to sitting down with me and renegotiating these relationships where the burden of maintaining them is not solely placed on me, I’d be happy to do that but otherwise I’m finished.

So, knowing all of what I just said I want to tell you how, after so long, I’ve finally put this into a perspective I can live with. I have worried enough about how it makes me look if I don’t pursue these relationships. I am through with anyone’s judgement and/or hurt feelings. I want to say but never will, “It’s okay that you didn’t want to be parents. It’s okay if you don’t like me or want to be around me. We do not have to pretend. Call me when you need something/anything. We’ll see each other on the major holidays at family gatherings but we never have to pretend to like each other again. My feelings are not hurt. I appreciate the fact that you gave me life and didn’t let me starve or freeze to death. I appreciate the lessons I learned when you didn’t parent me the way I needed. I learned so many powerful lessons from that. These lessons made me who I am and I would never want to change any of that. We have been what we were supposed to be to each other and now we are finished with that. I hope the rest of your life is happier than it’s ever been and that everyday you live is a healthy one. Peace”

This is my pretend conversation and it’s allowing me to finally move on and stop blaming myself for not wanting to keep rewarding people who don’t like me by keeping up one end of a relationship.  

If this helps anyone else that will make me happy.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Well Hello

I have wanted to write in this space so many times but I just won't do it if I'm not totally wide open to do so. I cannot force it and I'm not today. I'm actually feeling 100% happy with this decision.

Earlier today I told anyone who watched my Instagram stories that I was about to do a new video and maybe you came here to see. I hope so.

Prepare yourself to hear something you've probably never had pointed out to you. It might scare you that I would say such things and and it might scare you to hear it. I can assure you that I am not the first person to point these things out. Wayne Dyer said it over and over before his death.

Note: Just to clarify before you watch the video I said Psalms 82:16 but I had contacts on that I use to see distance and cannot see close with them. It's actually 82:6. 



It amazes me that Jesus quoted Psalms to say for the second time in the bible that "You Are Gods." It's really no different than Buddhism. Buddhism asks us to take responsibility for our lives and that is what God and Jesus both are saying when they say this. They want to get it in our heads that the decisions we make are our own and tell us that how our life turns out depends on the type God we chose to be. We have the power. How much more permission do we need to use it.

If all this makes you uneasy and makes you want to think about what Jesus and God could have meant other than exactly what they said,  I want to refer you back to this post and what Suelo said about the inability of Christians to accept and be comfortable with Jesus' teaching.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

funk





I have been going through some funk here lately but the sunshine yesterday and today seems to be what I needed. I feel bolstered. I didn't want to blog or Instagram story or any kind of silly bullshit like that and these things, I normally love. Oh, and it's winter yall. It gets me every time. I'm a grouch all winter.

It's not just sunshine that's pulling me up. It's also this book and the 2 minute cold shower finishes that it told me to do.  I've just started that. I'm mean just started like yesterday and today. Okay, so like two. But I think it's doing something good for me. I don't know, just try it yourself and report back if it made you feel like you were the sexiest, ass kickin' person in line at the grocery store checkout. It worked for me. This book is amazing though and that's not hyperbole. See, I've never used the word hyperbole in my life and you can take that to the bank. You know what else? I just did a quick proofread of what I've wrote so far and I've never used the world bolstered before either. What the hell? 

Here's something I never do. I want to invite anyone who needs help remembering happiness and wellbeing to allow me to help them using energy healing. I can do it as a distant healing without your presence but I love doing it in person. I've been practicing it for a couple of years now but have not made it into a business or constant in my life. I still want to keep practicing but I want to take it passed family and the few friends who have sweetly allowed me to work on them. Not saying no friends cause those are the people I'd love to help. I'm just saying I need more people. So, don't be shy, just send me a DM and say I'd like to try that crazy thing you do. It really can change your life. I promise. You don't even have to know what it's all about. Just let me deal with that. Okay, any takers?

Now go buy that book and when you shower stand in the cold 2 minutes before you get out. Stop whining and just do it. Then, maybe you can use words you never use but also double check to make sure you used them right too. Come on, I had to look them up. I thought "I cannot believe those words just came out of me/I hope I used them right, better check. Damn I'm good. Must have been the cold showers." If that sounds good to you, then do it. It's just two minutes. Stop pulling me back in. I've got to go.  

The End!


Thursday, December 20, 2018

Here Are Links I Promised


I am placing my video at the bottom because you may have watched it on Facebook. Above that video I'm adding videos and links to things you may not know about the country we live in. If you've not heard of "Black Wall Street" please make sure to watch that video.

The Trail Of Tears/Andrew Jackson
Racial Disparities in Incarceration
Voting Rights for African Americans
Rights African Americans Had to Fight For
Women’s Suffrage
Rights Women Had To Fight For









Monday, November 19, 2018

because she can make just a few words seem magical

I have followed Andrea Jenkins on her blog Hula Seventy for so many years I don't know now. I also love her photography so much that I have a tiny wall in my living room committed to only her. Her etsy shop is mostly boarded up and she rarely writes on her blog now. I have to wait for the fallen scrapes she drops from time to time but it's worth it. It's so worth it.

I went over at stole a few examples that I think illustrate perfectly why it would be so worth your time to visit her blog and spend some time there. Treat it like meditation. It will be just as soothing to the soul.



Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Can We Talk? Seriously, Can We?




I found this stat list at http://www.transstudent.org/transstats/ and wanted to share it as a quick reference for people who visit this blog. I think people need to know these numbers if there is any chance that, we as a society, can be more loving and accepting to transgender individuals. If you only judge without getting to know and understand people who are not like you then you may one day help contribute to some of the scarier of those statistics, like the suicide rate, as well as the feeling of being unsafe.

If you are using your religious beliefs to justify your nonacceptance of transgender people, you might want to rethink that. If you are Christian, then you are breaking the 2nd of the two "greatest commandments" as is stated in the Bible:

Matthew 22 Verses 34 to 40
[37] Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. [38] This is the first and great commandment. [39] And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. [40] On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

You may also want to follow this bit of scripture in this case as well:

Matthew 7 Verses 2 to 4
[2] For with the same judgment you pronounce, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. [3] Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the beam in your own eye? [4] How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while there is still a beam in your own eye?

What I'd suggest you do is rather than have an uninformed opinion, inform yourself. You can find a wealth of knowledge here. Being more kind to people who aren't like you won't send you to hell and I'm sad for anyone who believes that it will. I know you are scared but you are scared because someone taught you to be or from what you've witnessed about how people close to you think about this. You can think for yourself and I'd wager greatly that if there is a God, they put you here just so you would learn to do just that. That is why, according to the Bible, you have freewill. Freewill is yours to use. You don't have to follow blindly.
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