Tuesday, October 15, 2019

How Can I Shock You With A Title That'll Make Your Read This Post? I know. I'll say F*ck Again. You Seem To Like That.

I sat closely watching the meltdown. She was crying hard with few pauses to catch her breath. She said no one would ever stay and that it was the scars from her burns that was pushing him away. I looked at her and even through her tears I could only see physical beauty that completely took all of anyone's attention. She was an amateur dancer on a reality show who'd just had a fight with her boyfriend. She shared her hurt with a counselor that worked at the show helping the participants handle the emotions of being in the spotlight. He was trying to reassure her when her boyfriend came back in and took over. It turned out to be a little fight that got over blown and the boyfriend seemed to really care about her. 

The counselor came to join me after he walked away. As we talked about what had just happened, I said, "Do you think she will use it for a crutch for not figuring it out?" And then I woke up.

This was all just a dream I had last night but I didn't want to say that right away because I know how little anyone cares about other people’s dreams, but it seemed to mean so much.

When I said "use it for a crutch for not figuring it out" I was saying she might always see her scars as an obstacle for not having what she wants and being who she is supposed to be.

When I woke, I thought about how we all do this. We all have something (scars) that keeps us from seeing the truth. When things aren't the way we think they should be or we are not being who we think we should be, we use these crutches as an excuse because we are actually afraid of having what we want or maybe afraid that we cannot have what we want. It's easier to cop out and say I can't because I have this thing that will forever prevent me from the life I want. Maybe it's your gender, the country you were born in, your looks, you've been abused, the shape of your body, sexual preference, you feel unlovable, the color of your skin, you grew up poor, someone else is more talented, did not go to college, had kids too young, don't have any help, are always sick, God is punishing you or maybe you are just not good enough. We always have something standing in the way of us stepping into our awesomeness. If we could drop that crutch would awesomeness be immediately on the other side? If we always live in the shadows, life continues same same, every day.

What is your scar? What is your crutch? Who would you be without it?

Friday, September 20, 2019


I have basically abandoned this space but didn't mean to. I have spent so much money on energy healing, energy healing classes, breathwork sessions and ceremonial healing classes this year that this has been where my loyalty lies and not writing. When I'd come here and pull up "new post" I'd think I would write and wouldn't, or I would write but never publish. Once I sat down to write, I'd think about my healing process and how I was somewhere in the middle of it, and how maybe waiting till I was further in might be more beneficial. Do I have anything I can share at this point in the journey that can't wait till I'm closer to clear? My answer was always wait. The problem is I/you won't ever be clear of the need to heal. If we heal through those big things like childhood trauma and previous relationship trauma, then we are just trying to keep the cords cut that attach to us daily when we connect with others positively or negatively. We are seldom, if ever, in our own energy and detached from the influence of others. It's just part of living.

Before I got serious about healing, in my opinion, I was stuck in stage 2 of fight or flight almost 24 hours a day. I'd think I was in some sort of cool down period where I was finally going to release the stress and then something at work would usually send me back in the stress cave again. I ended up at a chiropractor for an emergency visit but even after I got realigned, I was still having severe muscle spasms for days. Once I recognized and got real about what I was doing to myself, I planned to finally get in my own energy and try to stay there.

If you watch my Instagram stories then you know most mornings I'm up before daylight, going to my studio to meditate and do breathwork. Then once a month I am on a call with Satya Colombo being held accountable for doing my healing work, as well as a once a month group call with Satya laying down his knowledge in bits and pieces, to allow us all to consume at the rate he feels is beneficial. Do I dread the calls? I do because I know he is going to make me talk about how it's all going and sometimes it makes me feel like I'm going backwards in the moment. It's not. It's anything but. The dread is me not wanting to face my own crap. He's so good at not pointing it out but making me realize it for myself. He said on our last call that a few people dropped out of our group and I can tell you that I'm sure it's people resistant to healing because they still find some sort of comfort in being a victim or they don't want to do the work. I think many of us feel this but for those that are ready we are pushing passed the resistance.

So, what do I have to tell you about my process? I'm better. Right now, it's been 18 days since I had a day that work was all I could think about. I've slept better. I'm calmer. I've dreamed so much. I wake up on most days and I cannot wait to see the people in my office, see what the day brings and just smile and laugh at our mutual predicament of having jobs that never get easier. Generally, the people in both offices are making decisions about the wellbeing of over 200 people and how to schedule 170 workers into those more than 200 spots. There are a lot of lives on the line and we also must make sure we aren't sending our workers into homes we wouldn't want to be in ourselves. Stress people! I'm handling it better right now than I ever have. I'm figuring it out. 

I am planning to have a retreat this fall to teach what I've been learning. I'll be renting a local house that is large enough to hold sessions for a group of about 5 to 6 people over two days (a weekend). It will be free this first time because it will be practice for me to continue this work in the future. Think about it. I know I'm being vague about what this will include but closer to time I'll be more concrete. If you feel lead to join me I'd love it. You can email, text me (if you know my number) or DM me through Instagram. Both the email and Instagram info is on this page. I know if you decide to join in you will walk away refreshed and excited about what is next to come.

So that's a little about where I've been and a vague synopsis of what I've been up to.

Peace O U T

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Free Your Mind and The Rest Will Follow

We live in America, home of, you must try every day to meet some measure no one knows the sum of and land of, you'll never be good enough.

You know yourself that this is part of everyday life for any one LGBTQ+, non white and non male. It’s not like that just for these people, I know but we know the concentration is probably higher for them. It’s this way for everyone living in this country.

A big part of the problem is religion. We see it on our money, our monuments, our TV screens, bumper stickers, signs and in the way we speak. We are saturated with it. If you’ve ever for a moment entertained the idea of turning from religion, you know the weight of it. For some, that weight is heavier. If you pastor a church, grew up in a religious family, or attend church weekly you know the weight of it. The deeper the roots run and embed, the harder it is to walk away or think of walking away. You probably cannot do it. Most people don’t have the courage or strength.

How does this fear become so ingrained in who we are? It’s a cult like hold. The last person to know they are in a cult is someone in a cult. That is what religion is and what it’s designed to do. It’s designed to keep you in fear. That is how they keep you in the cult. They play on your fears and make you feel like they are the only thing that can fill you up in ways you lack on your own. You are not good enough but with us it doesn’t matter, because we can fill up the rest. If you don't feel any fear when you question your religion, then maybe you aren't in a cult.

If you are a religious person you fell for this. I bet if you are a religious person you might have thought about clicking off this post out of fear. If you haven’t clicked away, I bet you want to. You aren’t thinking for yourself. You think with the hive mind you’ve been taught to embrace.

If you want to get off the hamster wheel, there is only one thing you can do. Stop believing. You don’t have to do it for the rest of your life but stop and stop for a long while. There is one thing I can tell you as someone who has, it will be okay. It will not only just be okay; it will be mind-altering and amazing. If you cannot do this long term, do it for a day, a week or a month.

Here is what will happen. You will be free. You will learn. You will know things you were not previously capable of knowing. The first thing you will know for certain is there is nothing in the universe that will judge you or condemn you for going your own way. Your veil will be lifted. You will feel peace.

When you start to see and feel peace, you will extend it to others. You won’t be perfect, no but when you stop judging yourself, you won’t have as much need to judge anyone else.

We all strive so hard for the things that are important to us but for what? Do you truly think obtaining what you think you need will stop your need? Do you think there is a level at which your life becomes perfect?

How did we become a world of people who satisfaction is not possible? We can stop this right now. It’s ours to have. It doesn’t mean that we become complacent with the mundane but that we embrace self-love.

So, why don’t we just walk out right now into the world and look the first person we see in the eye and just breath and smile. “Hello Soul,” we’ll say in our heart and we know that we are the same and that is something beautiful that does not need to be filled up.

When it’s all said and done, you might embrace spirituality again but this time you can build it back up without the inherited ideas. You can choose every building block and stack them as you wish. If you don’t return, that is perfect too. You cannot do it wrong. Keep your mind and heart open and be moved as your spirit shows you.

Love peace and light.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Energy Healing

So, it’s time we had this little talk. I now hold three certificates in Energy Healing and I've studied 4 modalities. Every Energy Healer is probably a little better at some things than others. I think what I’m really good at is helping people connect to their freedom to be themselves. I can help you find that space where you hold back who you are out of fear and then heal it.

We all have something in us that is a vital part of our character that we got a "no" message to during some part of our life and it’s holding us captive.

If you are a woman you may feel like you belong to your family instead of yourself.

If you are LGBTQ+, living in a small town (any town really) you may have gotten the message that who you are is wrong and maybe you don’t understand the people who said "no" to who you are were the ones who were wrong.

If you are a man you think you cannot be vulnerable or softhearted.

If you are a child you may feel like even when you have the best intentions, your parents say "no" to who you are and what you feel called to do because they cannot understand.

All of these things stem from feeling like when you show up and be who you are, you have been told "no" to that. When we hear "no" in the form of punishment, argument or correction we sometimes record those things as fact and it takes bringing them forward to finally let them go and allow ourselves to be authentic.

I can help with these things. If you are interested in an energy healing session, just send me an email or call me if you have my number.

The first session is $60. If you cannot afford the fee we could probably work something out because I want to help you whether you have money or not.


Sunday, May 26, 2019

The Power of Now As Related to Shoulders

Today I’ve been doing nothing at all. I haven’t even brushed any of the things you brush or washed any of the things you wash and it’s 11:11AM (I just Instagram storied the proof). I stink and really need a shower but I really want to talk right now instead. I’ve got a few things to share about me. You can just count on the fact that when I share anything it is about me even when it appears, I’m writing to help others. I couldn’t write a word if the words I write didn’t come from somewhere and they always come from the space I’m in when I write. So, today’s share is about two things, being present and my stiff shoulders.

I wrote about my shoulders on this blog a few times like here and here. Today is a little different.

I go walk in the park at lunch at Key Park when I’m in Lafayette. Lately I’ve begun to see that I am urging myself to go faster with my shoulders. I never noticed that I do this. These lunch time walks made me finally notice it. I do notice I keep my shoulders tense but I never took in the fact that I’m actually pushing my shoulders ahead of the rest of me from the urgency to finish what I’m doing. I know when I’m at the park I don’t have very long to get my walk in, so I’m always pushing myself forward with my shoulders instead of just allowing my shoulders to be present with the rest of my body. I know this may sound crazy to you but I think if you are person with shoulder tension, back tension or headaches you may do this too. When I notice that I’m doing it now I remind myself that I cannot send my shoulders out into the world to get me to where I need to go a quarter second before the rest of me. It does absolutely no good. I’ll then rest them and remind them as much as I need to that they can just enjoy being in the moment because all that extra work I have them doing is for nothing. It’s not just my walks in the park, I do it driving, walking into work, going out to eat, I just never stop doing it until I remind myself that I’m doing it. It is all part of not being present in the current moment and wanting to get to the next. When I finally understand I’m doing it again and remind myself to be present, pay attention to where I’m at and not where I think I need to be next, it so liberating. It helps me enjoy now, right now.

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