Thursday, December 27, 2012



Years ago. A girl, mother of two boys, finds herself carrying a third child. She is still so young and lost. She doesn't know that the decisions she makes today will carry with her for her lifetime. She thinks whatever happens now will be left there by the side of the road with no way to find it’s self back to her.

A man. He is the man whose seed implants into her body to form the baby she is now carrying. He’s older by 8 years. He knows that the decisions you make now will carry with you for a lifetime. He cannot let the world know of his imperfection. Had his sin have been an infected limb he would have cut it off an buried it. It was not an infected limb. It was a baby out of wedlock. He tells her that she can have the baby but he’ll take it away or she can abort it. He’s done it before; taken a baby from it’s mother’s arms.

She won’t let him have the baby. It’s better in her mind to release the soul of the unborn baby back to it’s origin than to let the man, standing before her asking for it’s death, take this child . She won’t let the man have the child she loves. She doesn’t know how people spread their legs to take a child out of their body but she raises all the strength she has and lets it happen.

She goes home and cries for the child she allowed to be taken from her. She turns cold to touch. She cannot let anyone into her space. It’s better to keep people at arms length because allowing people to care for her hurts so much. It feels much better to not accept care. She goes through all the motions of being a loving mother to her other children but any love given to her is put in a little box that she keeps but never opens.

More than 20 years pass and she never thinks about what happened with the baby. She left those thoughts by the side of the road she thinks.

She walks into her meditation spot and has a seat one morning. Sitting there quietly she remembers back to Christmas day. After taking her youngest son back to his apartment she is about to leave and she hugs him and kisses him on the cheek. In her meditation she thinks on this and what a big step it was for her. She generally just kisses her sons goodbye. Hugs always make her uncomfortable and she assumes it is because her parents did not hug her when she was a child.

During the thoughts on the hug a baby/toddler appears to her wearing a lions costume like she is having a dream. It feels like the child comes out of her thoughts and stands to face her almost nose to nose. The baby giggles and walks away. Her mind goes completely silent and empties like a black screen. She has a feeling that this was her baby. She decides she needs to name the baby, something in all these years she never did. A thought comes back to her, “Marley.” She says to herself, “no I would never name a child Marley, it has to be something else.” Then a thought comes back to her, “this soul is Marley and I was never yours to name.” Then the word “vessel” pops into her mind. She knows what this means. She was merely the vessel for which this soul fulfilled it’s reason for taking form inside her body in this lifetime. It occurs to her that even when she thought she left that decision on the side of the road more than 20 years ago she has been holding this soul with her all these years. This morning they said their goodbye. In the darkness of her mind that was still so empty she said to herself, I’m letting you go but I just want to pretend to hold you for a second and she did. With tears pouring down her checks she let that soul she carried with her for all those years go, knowing now it was never really hers to keep.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

the bright shininess of hope


As I write this post I’m still searching for the words to say this in the most effective way without offending those who I’m presuming to know the thoughts of. Here it goes one way or the other.

I was meditating and this occurred to me, partly because I just saw Django yesterday and partly because I was having one of those moments of tranquility.

This all got me to thinking about tiny bits of hope/freedom/happiness. I thought about how during the days of slavery there still must have been moments that those who were enslaved must have felt tiny bits of peace. How do you endure the kind of torture these fellow human beings lived through and still find a way to carry on each day? There had to have been ways to get yourself killed or to kill yourself to finally end the abuse but they found a way to live everyday. I wondered if maybe there were parts of their day that they were able to have hope or feel peace. Maybe the walk to the spring alone to get water. Maybe a night listening to the rain on the roof. Maybe after a particularly cold day to finally get next to a fire.

I expanded this notion to include POWs. These folks must have had moments they felt at peace or how could they survive? You could expand this whole notion out to include numerous people who’ve endured horrific circumstances.

Here is the reason for this post. Think about all of the people who have survived terrible abuse and injustice and how they must have found times that they knew peace even in the worst of it. Then think about how everyday you have access to knowing peace throughout most of your day yet you can only see what’s ugly, what’s negative, what’s not going your way. Your day is mostly wide open to see with love, peace and hope. You aren’t having to try to find a moment here or there in between abuse/torture/injustice. You have that opportunity every second of everyday.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

tomorrow is the big day


I am so ready. I have to work tomorrow (thought I was taking off but couldn’t) and I’m going to be so rushed. B is sick with a crazy cough and right now he is beside me trying to sleep it off. We just realized that B has rehearsal for his show tomorrow night but at least it’s not till 8:30. Everything that could go wrong is going wrong. Who knows by tomorrow night I might even be sick. I swear I won’t let it stop me. This all sounds like I’m down about the whole thing but I am not. I am thrilled. I’m excited. I can’t wait till my managers meeting is over in Mt Juliet tomorrow so I can get home and get it all started.

I’m going to talk about this experience a bit. What a crazy thing. I would never have guessed that so few people would be interested in celebrating Peace, Love & Happiness. I guess that is why the world is in such a mess. Folks think peace is for dreamers. They don’t really believe it exists. Next time I think up something like this I’m not going to tell anyone why I want them over. I’m gonna tell them to come over for a get together. I’m gonna say, “We’ll have food, lots of Christmas lights, a fire, sky lanterns, lots of singing and dancing around the fire and we’ll just act like a bunch of half crazy people.” That is exactly what we are going to do. I think most folks would be up for all this but say that we are going to do it in the name of peace and love and they think you are a half crazed hippy. I don’t even care about that. I just hate that folks are going to miss out on such a fun night.

It’s been my experience that when it seems everything is going wrong and you just push through there’s often a sweet surprise in the end.

Good Night Friends.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Peace, Love & Happiness Day

I’ve been thinking about my 12-12-12 plans and the more I think about it the more I can’t wait. I really want lots of little people there. I think they might aid us adults in seeing the magic of it all.

I have already been doing some outdoor decorating.


Last night I ordered a bunch of noise making devices. I ordered 4 different types of hand drums, rhythm sticks, wood blocks & mallet, maracas, shaker eggs & a guitar. I already have a banjo, tambourine, bones & ukulele. I just thought it might be awesome if we could make some sort of music all together even if it sounds terrible. It’s just a way I thought we could get the group to unite as one. We might also be able to get folks to participate by doing some solo acts if anyone is feeling in to it. I know Kenlee can help on this level. She is always instigating some sort of show everyone has to participate in.

My vision for the night is that a group of folks get together, eat, make music, dance around wildly and act like we might if we were still 5 years old. I’m hoping everyone comes with a sense of adventure and they leave there adulthood at home and just follow along with the children as if we were all one of them.

Everyone is invited. So, come and bring your friends.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Making of a World


Everything you think is real? Yes, I meant the question mark even though that sounds more like a statement. Why the question mark you ask? Because if everything we think is real then why do so many of us think so many different things about one subject? We think everything into being and we do that based on what we know.

If you were on a deserted island for 10 years and your spouse died sitting in your living room 10 minutes after you got there but you didn’t know it, would they be dead to you? No. You would spend the next ten years waiting to see them again. In that time you might think up a 1000 scenarios about what will happen the next time you see them or what they might do without you. You could even drive yourself crazy with the what ifs. The only what if is that they are dead but you will live out the next 10 years with that person still in your life.

Real life is much like this. You are on a deserted island, it’s called your mind and the only thing that is real is what you think. Until you know different your world remains the same. Your world is completely made up of what you know correctly or incorrectly. So, why would you hold it all so dear even if it causes you pain. If you want out of pain you simply have to make up your mind to leave it behind. Yes, it is that simple. You made this world you are living in, make another one. Make a world where you are open, see others as your equal, where you extend out in all directions and are no longer confined and you know anything is possible.

Meditate, watch your mind. When a thought comes up that makes you feel bad replace it with one that makes you feel good. You can control what goes on up there.

Here is a meditation I’ve done for years when I’m not doing formal sitting meditation:

While you are driving down the road pay attention for a bit to what is going on in your head. Realize during this time how it seems that what is going on in your head is playing out like it is on a movie screen. It’s like you are watching the world through a lens that causes what you see on the outside to go internal, playing out inside your head even when you are looking straight ahead at the world in front of you. Now, if you can, and this is not easy, try to shift out of your head and stop seeing it all inside and only see what is on the other side of the car window. You won’t be able to hold this way of seeing long. If you feel yourself drawing back inside your head, remind yourself to come back out and see only what is in front of you. Try to put your head on lockdown for as long as you can. While you are on lockdown don’t allow yourself back in there and keep trying to reinforce that barrier, extending longer and longer. If you aren’t able to do this for long, don’t worry yourself. It is almost a miracle that you can do it at all.  If you were able to do this, this is probably the only time in your life that you have. Most people don’t even know they are capable of it.

Let’s think on this for a few days and then we’ll come back to it in another post and discuss this more. This is a lot to process. We have been living in our secluded worlds with a lot of thoughts about how it all should be without much to bother our way of seeing for a very long time. Best to just chip away the blinders a little at a time.

I know it’s not easy to share but if you want to I’d love to know if you try the riding meditation,  if you are able to make the shift and what it feels like. Just write about your experience in the comments.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

it’s a big old goofy world


John Prine says it is and I believe him.

When you think about all of our rough edges rubbing up against each other all the time, it’s a thousand wonders we aren’t all laying in the corner bleeding to death. Lucky for us we’ve got a few smooth edges too and maybe they tend to see the light of day more often. I don’t know. I’m just spit balling.

Something I’ve been firsthand witness to lately is dealing with the rest of the world while I’m trying to polish up my rough edges. You can change yourself but you cannot change the rest of the world. Hey but that’s the thing, if we didn’t have those other folks we probably wouldn’t have a lot to work on in our own lives and who wants to be the last man standing? Not me. If there was no one else we probably wouldn’t have all that stuff swishing around in our heads anyway. Stuff like how we will be perceived or why he/she did that and the effects of it. If you think about it, it’s pretty obvious that we are all here to learn from each other. If we are spending our time trying to wish someone to another planet you can count on the fact that this person we are wishing away was placed in our path to hold up a mirror smack dab in our faces. I’ll admit most of the time my first urge is gonna be to wish them to another planet but hey wait, that’s why I have this blog, you know, cause I want to work out stuff and I want to help others do the same by sharing.

So what? Well, since you asked. I’m working hard on my not wishing folks off the planet skills. This change could not have come at a harder time being a Blue state minded gal in a flaming Red state. Now here we are, just after the election, when a good chunk of folks have decided to sign petitions to secede from the US. I’m gonna have to really step up my game but I can feel the stepping up happening more everyday. I’m actually learning that our opinions don’t mean much more than picking out a new winter coat. Is there a wrong coat to pick? Not really. Get me? I’m just knocking it all off my shoulders right and left as I go and moving forward with far less firm foot planting. I’m trying to unlearn what I told myself I was and just be like the wind. If you want to float on the breeze with me, I’ll be happy to have ya.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

the untethered soul


This book, a stroke of brilliance. For years I have queried about what seems to be the default of our brains. It’s been my thought, “why must our brains be hard set to the random flowings of this and that and all over the place, when it would make more sense if the default was peace, calm and awareness?” I wanted to have dialogue along this line but I couldn’t find folks who cared to talk about it or literature that addressed it…until now. I found myself saying an audible yes to almost every line that I read. It is a bit repetitive but I’m sure the repetition was to stretch the simple idea in to a length upon which a book could be based. Please read it. You can find so many things in a day that could change your life but I’m willing to bet this might be the last one you’ll need.

Monday, November 5, 2012

My Struggle

If I said I was extremely liberal that would not even scratch the surface. I live in the beautiful state of Tennessee. On election night you can count on seeing this state turn red on the map. I wish that wasn’t true but I would be completely bewildered should that not turn out to be the fact. I am surrounded by folks that will vote based on a bunch of rhetoric and do not know the first thing about the policies of the candidates. Most of these folks live paycheck to paycheck but they would still vote for a man who will continue the exploitation of people with little money to benefit the wealthiest.
I have been watching the Facebook tally of friends and family go up on giving Romney the thumbs up. I would never delete family members but I would be lying if I said I didn’t use that list to unfriend a few folks. My reasoning on the matter is that if it were the 60’s and we were fighting segregation I wouldn’t want to be friends with folks on the other side. I just couldn’t support that in any way. To think a person should be denied rights based on the color of their skin is the most absurd thing I have ever heard and by that same token I don’t want to vote for a person who is against equal marriage rights or someone who would deny the rights of women.

Here’s the dilemma I face. Is turning my back on these folks who don’t think we are all equal the same as those same people wanting to deny others equal rights? I think it is. I really do. This is not lost on me. I’m not going to pretend that it is different but here is the thing. I’ve spent a few years now operating from that point of view and still trying to include these people and in the process of doing so these folks still don’t know what it feels like to be left out. The one thing I can say I’ve always be in full agreement with from the Bible is, “turn the other cheek.” I’ve always felt like if someone knocks you down and you don’t respond back in the same way you can walk away with your head held high because you have given them no ammunition to say you were just as much to blame. I would love to be like Jesus in this aspect but I’m not fighting this fight just for me. I’m fighting this fight because I think every person living should be treated as equals. Do I realize what a contradiction that is? I certainly do but I’m not going to struggle over this anymore. Until laws/people change and treat everyone as their equal I will be adopting a biblical view I am strongly against, “an eye for an eye.”

Note: I don’t want this type of thing taking up space in a place I want only peace. I really don’t intend to leave folks out. I wrote this piece merely to make a point.

Friday, November 2, 2012

A Blog Post You Must Read


I have been following the blog/life of Suelo for a few years now. There is a book out called The Man Who Quit Money and Suelo is that man. Here is a little nugget to get you up to speed.

In the autumn of 2000, Daniel Suelo deposited his life savings—all thirty dollars of it – in a phone booth. He has lived without money ever since. And he has never felt so free, or so much at peace. “My wealth never leaves me,” he says. “Worrying about what could or should happen is a worse illness than what could or should happen.”

When I first started following his blog I sent him a message to let him know why I wasn’t fully on board with his “madness.” In that message I essentially said that even though he says he doesn’t use money, in a round about way he does because he uses the money of others when he sleeps on their couch or eats their food. He quickly got back to me and explained. I can’t quote what he said but it was something along the lines of, in an ideal world we’d all live without money and we would share (skills, food, etc) to survive but we don’t live that way and because of that his way of life is at the mercy of the money system even though he denounces it. That made sense to me and I’ve read everything he has written since without question.

Now the reason for giving you this info is to encourage you all to go read his latest post titled Why Religion?. It is my favorite of all his writings. He masterfully molded and shaped words into a perfect masterpiece. Please go check it out.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

being the imperfect parent


As you can see from this photo I don’t have little boys anymore. I have two grown men who used to be my little boys. I wish I could say I did everything right. I wish I could say that I never did anything to deflate who they are. I wanted to be the perfect parent. Turns out, you can’t be. You’d first have to be perfect and we all know that we are not.

When my boys were younger I spanked them. Sometimes I yelled at the top of my lungs at them. I’m not trying to excuse these actions because they were wrong actions but I truly didn’t know better. I have apologized for being that parent but if they forgave me everyday for the rest of my life I would not forgive myself. I own that and I’m living with it. I don’t beat myself up for it. It’s just something I sit with on occasion and then it’s turns to gratitude that at some point before they left home I turned that around.

I can’t really say when this all took place because it was a process but I’ll explain why I changed the way I parented.

I had my children really young and I was a single parent. I never went to college. I never had that youthful hoorah. I could have but I would have had to sacrifice time with my family by trying to work and go to school or I would have had to survive with government assistance. There is nothing wrong with that but my pride would not allow it. So, at a very young age I realized there’d be none of that. I had to be a mother while most people my age would still be having a big time, going to parties, attending college and spending all their leisure time any way they wanted. I mourned this loss for a few years. In those years I know that I was not a good parent. I felt so conflicted and weighted down by so much responsibility and I never stopped to think how good I had it.

Time passed and one day I decided to step up. I don’t know what prompted it. I just remember thinking, “No one is going to do this for me. No one is going to come along and save us. I have to do this.” From that moment on I decided that unless the boys were spending time with other family members (dads & grandparents) then we’d always do everything together. What I learned very quickly after this realization was that when you step up and do what you are suppose to do instead of avoiding it (in any way) only good can come from it. I stopped thinking about what we didn’t have and focused on what we did have. As soon as I made that transition it seemed like everything got better. Our house certainly got quieter. When I stopped yelling and spanking my children they fought a lot less and they stopped yelling. When my approach became more calm they responded to me with calm. It was then I realized how much my actions set the stage for the rest of the house.

To look back at the big picture I can see the mechanics of it and I know why things changed. I think sometimes no matter how ready you think you are to be a parent you never really are. No one can tell you what it will be like. You have to experience it yourself. I think once we lose our freedom to a child, who is completely dependent on us for everything, it is almost natural to mourn the loss of that freedom. The problem is when we get stuck there. At some point you have to tighten those boot straps and go wading in all the way over your head. You have to say, “This is where I am and these children always need to be first.” When you do that you will finally see that you have time for everything. Because now you can use that time you once spent wishing things were different and you will be the best parent you can be because you won’t have to feel guilty anymore about those thoughts of wishing it all away. You’ll be surprised how much free time will open up for you that you never realized you had. You will be parenting in the present moment instead of doing it from a place in your mind that sees it as a conflict.

The moral of this story is: Put first things first and then everything else will rally around what is left in perfect placement. You won’t be able to understand how this works until you do it. Step in and just have faith. Don’t think about it. Just Do It.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

My thoughts on Religion

I know that most people strongly believe in their choice of religion and will not ever be moved. Great. I say perfect, stick with it. Hold firm. Don’t be swayed. This post probably isn’t for you. I’m not trying to run you off but I’m giving you fair warning that you might not care for this post. I hope if you stay and read it, that you will read it with an open mind and understand that we all have the freedom to make our own choices and that is okay.

Now to the meat of the thing.

I grew up in a family that believed in God but did not attend church. My grandfather’s church was his recliner on a Sunday morning watching Oral Roberts. I was at his home almost ever Sunday morning and I watched too. Friends invited me to church and I went a little here and there. Sometimes I’d go when I visited my step-granny, Granny Lucy, who never missed. In my early 20’s I started dating a guy who went Sunday morning & night and Wednesday night. He talked a big talk when it came to being a Christian but he was by far probably the least Christ like man I’ve know up close and personal. I dated him for almost 7 years and I played along and went to church every time they opened the doors.

During those years I went with the boyfriend Sunday 2x and Wednesday night. I really got steeped in the belief system. I studied hard. I tried to be as good as I could be. When I’d have a personal fail I'd go home on my lunch break and beg Satan to leave me. I learned that from Oral Roberts. It just seemed like no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find peace.

Spending all that time at church I began to notice that it really wasn’t feeling right anymore. I had at one time believed so strongly but it was starting to move from belief to confusion. Every sermon seemed to condemn someone sitting in that room who wanted to be a better person. I was one of them. It started to make me wonder what good could come of it. I know there wasn’t a soul there that had a greater desire than I had to be better and I couldn’t help but feel condemned during some sermons.

We know God as the Father of all men and I started questioning his parental skills. I was a parent. Being the mother of two sons I couldn’t see myself not loving my boys no matter what. I know they say God loves you no matter what but the Bible shows that isn’t true. Numerous times he commands the murder of children and the rape of women. He even saved Lot when He destroyed Sodom and Gomorra after Lot just the day before offered his two virgin daughters up for a gang bang to save his houseguest from being raped. Do women not matter to God? If His ego is so great that He needs that kind of sacrifice and fear then what is the purpose of even being a God? These are the traits of men. I don’t need a God that isn’t better than that. I need quality in the God I choose to believe in.

Looking at all of this just made me think if this is how God does it then I want to be better than God. I want to love people for exactly who they are. I don’t succeed everyday but it’s not because I’m not trying. I didn’t quit church right away. I kept on trying but I finally had to come to terms with the fork in the road. I could keep on my old path or go my own way.

When you walk away from a religion that teaches you not to question it or face going to Hell to burn for eternity it’s not an easy walk to take. The authors were pretty crafty to have thought that up. Over time it does get easier and the more steps you take in the other direction the more beautiful the world looks.

My belief became that there isn’t a separate being to be called God but God is a collective of that bit of goodness that is in each of us that allows us to love perfectly without ego. We are all a piece of what makes up God. We are God. I didn’t know anyone who believed this but somewhere inside of me I determined this to be my truth.

I was in Tower records February 12, 1994 with the then boyfriend and I purchased Kindle My Heart and Quantum Healing (my First Deepak book). I know because when I recently pulled out “Kindle” the receipts were still in it. I obviously couldn’t afford them because I purchased them on my credit card. Thank goodness for that card. I essentially bought a new life philosophy on credit and had to pay for it on monthly installments.


When I read Kindle My Heart I was never the same again. I recognized it from the point of my soul. This book (since then there have hundreds more) was the first evidence I found to support that what I felt in my heart was true. It’s been so many years I can’t remember a lot about the book but I do remember the theme of God within you. I found this on the back of the book and it kinda makes the point:

Gurumayi tells us that the Truth, the essence of our being, is present at every moment and we must make the effort to go within and find it. In the beginning you might think that it is esoteric or beyond your reach…but when the experience of the Self takes place you realize how close it is to you.”

God is within, beauty is within, divinity is within: This is an age-old message. However, just saying it is not enough. We have to contemplate it. It is said that man is what he thinks…When you contemplate the Truth, you become the Truth".” And the Truth, she tells us, “is always full…absolutely satisfying.”

I knew I would never look back. It opened me up in ways that grew me so largely outside my old shell, I couldn’t have fit back in if I had wanted to. I didn’t want to. I felt free of judgment for the first time in my life and I knew it didn’t matter if I couldn’t be perfect because all I had to be was me, flawed as I was.

You can live so much more open and honest when you walk away from the judgment we are taught by most religions. Just because you stop feeling judged doesn’t make you start being a bad person. You actually start doing good for good. You do what is right because it is the right thing to do not because you’re afraid of the consequence of Hell.

The point of this post is to let you know that if you question your beliefs, you aren’t the only person in the world that ever has. My advice to you is not to follow anyone’s path but to seek your own. If that leads you back to where you started at least you know you arrived there on your own terms.

Note: Please don’t comment in any way to try to save me or tell me where I am wrong. I’ve heard it all. If you follow a different path that is okay. Just know I have the same right and know that I have studied long and hard to arrive at my beliefs. It wasn’t a switch I threw in the heat of the moment. If you want to counter what I’ve said here you have the whole internet at your disposal. Maybe say it on your Facebook page or your own blog. This is labeled personal philosophy and this is my blog.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

You Always Fulfill Your Own Prophecies

Prophecy - A prediction of what will happen in the future.

What you think can't help but become reality. There's just no way around it. Let's think about this scenario:

You see a person that you think doesn't like you. What will your reaction be when you run into them? Maybe you:

•Avoid them?
•Pretend you don't see them?
•Look at them but don't speak?

Be honest. Would you walk up and speak to someone you think doesn't like you in the same manner as you friends, family, and close acquaintances? You know that you wouldn't. What do you think happens when you don't? You put that person in a position to react to the signals you are putting out. If they decide to go up to you upon seeing your reaction to them, then they are now in the same place mentally you are.  That place is a feeling of insecurity, thinking you might react to them poorly. Now no one has good feelings about the interaction. It might appear neither of you care for one another. 

You just fulfilled the thing you thought with your mind. By thinking the thing with your mind and acting according to your thoughts you have created the very thing you thought would happen.

Now this is just one scenario but believe me when I say, we do this with our life all the time. I know this and still I have no immunity to it. I still have to remind myself and try to be better.

Got it? It's a tough lesson and a hard one. Even when you get it your ego won't always allow you to move passed it. You just have to try to always be a witness to where your mind is and step through the door leaving your ego on the other side.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

to find you

18436679694069792p2lWE7bac(Photo found here)
Years ago, probably close to 20 now, a friend of my boyfriend at the time asked me what I like to do. I rattled off a string of things that I did with this particular boyfriend. He had known the guy since high school and knew the things that I listed were all his stuff. So, he said, “That’s what Mark likes to do, what do you like to do?” This was one of those moments when your world goes into slow motion and you watch yourself out of body. After a long pause, I meekly said, “I don’t know.” It was almost inaudible. The time after you say those words you either crash and burn or you decide to change directions. I’m not a crash and burn kinda gal. So, I changed directions. 

How do you find yourself after you have forgotten who you are? I kept a scrapbook. It wasn’t pretty, nothing I would show off but it was the best tool for the process I went through to find myself again. In that book I put everything that intrigued me. It had bits of religion, politics, flowers I liked, articles about current events I wanted to remember, songs, lyrics and musical artists I liked and photos of people I admire. I could look inside it and see myself and that started me back on the road I forgot I was on.

When I was 8 my Brownie troop leader Mrs. McCormick took us on a five mile hike through Standing Stone State Park. Of all the things I’d done in my 8 years that was the thing that stood out most. I loved it. I never stopped looking back on it with fondness.

I had 2 boys and wanted to find a way to engage them in boyhood things in case there was never a permanent man in our life to play that role. I didn’t have a clue what sort of outings we could find to do that little boys normally gravitate to since I never played sports. I thought about my hiking trip and decided they might love it as much as I did. When they were still too young to stay home alone we went hiking almost every weekend during the months the weather was cooler and hiking became my thing. They eventually gave it up when they were old enough to stay home but I never have.

When I had time to myself I found my own adventures to feel at peace in my life.
A few those of times I drove to an open field that belonged to a friend’s family and sat in the middle of it listening to Billie Holiday. Once I took a notion to pull off my clothes and run through the high grass while the music blared. It felt like the highest form of freedom. It was a world I could control where no one knew and the tall grass didn’t judge me.

I’d go to the lake alone and lay on the bank, look up at the stars and lights from the dam and listen to nothing but quiet. I’d lay there and wonder if everyone in the world stopped fighting for a bit and did the same thing I was doing, at the same time I did it, if they would take up arms again when they all resumed life’s daily activity. Could everyone feeling and hearing that much peace at the same time heal them/heal us all? I wished so hard that it could.

At one point I lost my job and with my severance and unemployment I decided that I had to take advantage of not having to go to a job for 8 hours a day. I knew that being a single parent I wouldn’t have many opportunities like this. I scoured the paper for things I could do. I found lots of things but the one that intrigued me most was going to group meditation at the Very Center.  I probably attended every weekly session for a least 6 months. It changed me so much. I will always be grateful for what meditation has taught me and brought to my life.

I can’t tell you all the ways I’ve changed since that question in one blog post. Needless to say Jamie Beaty changed my life the day he asked me the simple question, “What do you like to do?” and didn’t let me BS my way out of answering.

If you can take away anything from this post let it be that you should know yourself. Don’t go through life without finding your own answer to the question, “What do you like to do?” The answer to that question defines you. You need your own definition, not someone else's.

What’s life without a little music?

I know if you have completed the happiness exercise you probably aren’t sad anymore right ;0) but just in case here’s a little pick me up:

The B

The man you see pictured in the photo above is a real life superhero. His superpower is being real. Until I met him I didn’t know a man could have this power.

We met at work in 1997. It took a while to wrangle him into a date but I finally did. To quote Bogey in The Big Sleep, “She tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up,” Well, that’s what I did to him and then one day it finally paid off. I won’t go into every detail but we had a time getting started.

By the time I found him I had dated what seemed like every other man in all surrounding counties. So many folks I can’t even remember half of the names. Every date was pretty much the same. We’d go out to eat and then they would spend the evening telling me how wonderful they were trying to wow me and I’d counter bits of the same type info to appear like I was interested. Usually that was the end of it on my part. I wanted a man who was real not just one who told me he was. Here comes B swimming out in front of this sea of other men and it was on.

On one of our first dates he left me standing in the rain while he unlocked his car door. got inside, put the keys in the ignition and then finally remembered my drowning ass in the rain and opened my door from his nice dry seat. That is probably when I knew for sure. I was smiling from ear to ear when I got in. This was the first time at the start of a relationship that a man didn’t try to impress me. He was then and still is just as he is. We never had that awkward first date type conversation. It just seemed like from the beginning we got each other.

It took a couple of breakups for us to figure out that we didn’t want to be apart and then we got married in 2001.

Here is the key to being in a marriage for that long and not ever fighting. We made the commitment on the front end that we would never try to change each other. We said if there was something we didn’t like about the other we would get over it. How important is putting the cap back on the toothpaste and other silly things people fight over? If you want the cap on the toothpaste and he doesn’t care if it’s on just put it on yourself. If you what your socks folded a certain way and she refuses to learn the way, fold them yourself. The thing we are talking about here is that your way is just that, YOUR WAY. Other people have their way and they should be allowed that. I guess that is the secret to our success. It just works for us that way.

In all my life I have never felt as loved for being exactly who I am as he makes me feel and I hope he can say the same.

Bryan Boles you are my superhero.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

a little message

Hopefully if you made it through your three days you saw that the world didn’t come crashing to a halt without criticism or correction from you during these days. Hopefully you saw that many of the times you wanted to correct someone or a situation and you didn’t, the correction you withheld wasn’t really necessary. Hopefully you are starting to realize you can go through the day and let things be as they are. Turning loose of the reins will allow you to just be there as a witness to the beauty that surrounds you. You are not here to create the beauty but no bask in it.

I am happy but there is no such thing as too much happy and there is no such thing as a perfect human. So, I’ve been wearing my yarn around my wrist right along with you. In fact, I don’t know when I’ll be ready to take it off.

What I’ve learned going through this process with you is that when I start to judge someone else I need to stop and realize my part. I’ve begun even more to ask myself, “what in me needs to control, question or judge this?” The answer is always the same. “I don’t!” When that answer comes back to me I move on. It makes me realize the value of being humble. Hopefully with more practice I won’t need to do this so much and I will just learn to be in a humble and loving state naturally. Hopefully we all will.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I LoVe this video

Falconbridge Family Film from Michel - Family Sessions on Vimeo.
This is a collaboration with Tara Whitney. 

I love her photography. She was a style inspiration to me when I had a photography business. I think you will enjoy it as much as I do and that song is gonna get stuck in your head in a good way. Simply beautiful and for this family, something to look at with gratitude for the life they have been given.



You meet people like him everyday, I know you do but it still makes me no less proud.

This is my oldest sibling Joey. He is 14 months older than me and maybe the bullheadedest (not a word I know but I don’t cop to the foolish restraints of grammar) person I know. He hated school when he was younger but he has always loved coaching basketball. I won’t claim to know his stats but almost every girl’s high school team in the surrounding counties went to the state championship this year and this man coached starters on all those teams in AAU. No one around here doubts his abilities.

A few years back he, with the help of his insistent wife, decided to go to college. Three years later and you can see in the photos he succeeded. He is 47 now and teaching his first year of school so that he can earn a living being what he wants to be, A COACH.

You can have what you want…

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


I found this great post at ZenHabits about reducing stress. These are simple and to the point ways to make your life better. Go take a look.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

waiting for it to catch

Today marks another day where I start from scratch on believing this will catch on. I give up on this idea everyday and then something happens. One day it was when Jan jumped on board and decided she was in. I realized that day we didn’t need the whole world. With the wide stroke of magic she paints across the world in just being her own beautiful self everyday and the fact that I started out thinking I was just going to do this on my own anyway made me feel like that was all we needed. Of course when you look at it that way one can’t help but think there’s no need to keep this blog. With only 2 peeps in we could keep up with that by email.

Well, folks let me tell you I have lived my life taking the reins and going my own when I couldn’t get others on board. Maybe there is a lesson here. I have until 12-12-12 to convince you folks that having a happy day with the world participating is a crazy brilliant idea. So, I’ll just be over here posting and adding inspiration from wherever I can find it and when you are ready you can play along. I’m not giving up.

Here is a little story of a man who inspired me.

The winter I was 7 I watched the Little Drummer Boy with my grandfather. At one point in the movie the lamb of the LDB dies and he plays until it wakes from death and stands up and walks again. When this happened in the movie my grandfather looked at me and told me that no matter what you want in life if you just ask for it you will get it. He was the King of my kingdom and if he said it, it was true.

Everyday for a good long while after that I would look through the Sears catalogue and pick out everything I wanted in my house. I’d pick out the baby I wanted and I imagined what the outside of my house would look like. There was never a man in the scenario. At night I’d pray that when I woke in the morning it would all be across the street and I would just walk over and start my new life as a 7 year old homeowner/mother. I’d jump out of bed and run to the window every morning to see if my house was there and then one day I finally gave up and thought Granddaddy was wrong.

Guess the universe didn’t think I was old enough  to grant this at the time. Fast forward 16 years and  I found myself the mother of 2 boys and the owner of a newly constructed house. It took a while to look back and think on this but one day I realized I got exactly what I asked for then. It took me years after that (14 to be exact) to be open to adding a man to the equation but when I was ready that happened too. 

Look out, I’m about to do some askin’ again.

Hello universe, so great at granting wishes, let those who need a little peace, love and happiness in their world find this blog and join in our official day to welcome the 3 permanently into their life.

Thank you in advance for granting this but please don’t wait 16 years if you can help it, we kind of have a target here. Thinking 12-12-12 if you are available.

Blog Post Share

I love this post by Holly and wanted to share it. It reminded me of the metamorphosis I went through as a young mother when I decided to put my children before all else and let the rest fall inline in it's own space however it (all else) was suppose to fit.
(photo by Holly)

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Yay Peace Day

The emails have gone out, more will be sent later and we got our first response. I wanted to share it because it just seemed a perfect response for the feeling I'm hoping this day evokes.

"This sounds like a marvelous plan! And on 12-12-12 I will take time to dance and sing and play music and let it all be in the name of peace and love and unity... most days I just do it cause I'm half a wack-a-doo."

Her idea is so simple, light and keeping with the spirit of the day.

Now, let's have more please.We have chairs to fill.