Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Monday, November 11, 2019

I just need to post to move on



It's time to move that last past down.

How are things going with you? Well, for me, I'm sitting right there on the verge. I can sense it but I'm not sure what 'IT' is. Could it be that I'm about to find that thing that helps me to move more into who I am.? Or the thing that allows me to quit my current job and move into a job more aligned with where I currently am in my growth. I just know the wheels are turning. I keep getting signs. Maybe I just need to work a little more on goals and shifting towards them. I feel good even though I am having a little anxiety I have to work through on occasion. If you ever need some exercises to help you get through bouts of anxiety I think I've got some tricks up my sleeve. Just ask, I'm more than willing to share.

Okay that's about it because anything else I could get into right now might require more time than I have before I take my baked sweet potato out of the oven and have my diner. I'll get back here soon. I have lots to talk about.

One last thing, I hope you like the new look of the blog. That photo is kinda old now. It is a picture I took at Granny Lucy's when it still looked like it did when she was alive. I just didn't want to forget it. This was a picture I took of the table by her bed. You can see the green bedpost on the right side. The green is so peaceful and soothing to look at. It makes me happy. Hope it does you too.

PeAcE

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Goodbye


I’m gonna tell you a little story. It’s partly for me and for you in case you are in a similar situation but mostly for my brother that I love so much.

My parents split when I think I was 3 but we’ll say that cause it’s close enough. We saw my dad a few times but not much. He took us fishing once (if my baby memory is correct), road us in the truck he drove to pick up milk once or twice, took us to the lake with my mom once because she convinced him she’d take him back if he paid for the divorce she needed from the man she cheated on him with (the man that kicked me down the hallway if I got in his way), and he bought us twin (but boy/girl versions) bikes for Christmas. Oh, and we went and stayed a few times with him at Granny and Granddaddy’s. That is what I remember about him before we moved to Tennessee from Georgia with my other Granddaddy and Grandmother when I was five. We maybe went back to Georgia to stay with him at our grandparents house a few times after that, but it wasn’t much.

It was decided that we would spend half the summer with him the year I turned 9 and Joey turned 10. This plan was to continue every summer, that would give us a way to see him every year. So, the year I turned 10 we decided the day, packed our bags and waited for his arrival. I feel like we took our suitcases to the porch and back in a few dozen times that day. I remember sitting by mine on the porch and then taking it back in to check the time multiple times. We tried calling many times that day but thought he wasn’t answering because he was on his way. Late in the afternoon my stepmom Jean finally answered, and she said Daddy had changed his mind, they weren’t coming, and he didn’t feel like talking to us.

I did not speak to my Dad again until I was graduating high school. He would not come to the phone if we called and he did not call us. I didn’t care that he’d missed everything. I didn’t care that he left me with a mother that allowed my stepfather to come into the bathroom to watch me bathe after I had grown breast and had to tell my grandparents to get it stopped. I didn’t care that he left me with this man that spanked me every day before I went to bed the years I was 10 and 11. I didn’t care that he left me to have to worry everyday while I was at school about what I would accidentally do that would get me those spankings.  I didn’t care that he left me with the man that kicked me down the hall. I didn’t care that he left me with the mother that wished so hard that we were all grown up and gone so she could finally be happy. I just knew that there was a daddy out there somewhere that probably didn’t love me because I wasn’t lovable. I wished that he knew how awesome I’d become despite the spankings, kicks and pervy bathroom viewings. I just needed to show this to this superhuman that I knew had to be the most awesome person on earth because that is the way I dreamed him in my head during the years he was gone.

I sent him an invitation to my graduation. He called my grandparents and got our number and made plans to be at my graduation. The evening of the graduation, moments before I was about to leave, he called to tell me he wouldn’t be coming. I told him it was fine that he couldn’t make it the night of because I’d be with my friends after it was over and if he came a few days later we’d have time together then. Then the m-effer flipped the script on me. He said, “so you were going to let me drive all that way and you didn’t have any intention of seeing me when it was over.” I learned over the years that this was how he handled everything. He was good at turning everything into “look what you did to me.” I cried my eyes out over this and I’d probably would have never stopped the whole ceremony if it hadn’t been for Sharon Billingsley who woke me up to realize that I hadn’t done anything wrong when she said, “that son of a bitch.” It allowed me to finally catch my breath. Until she made me understand who the bad guy was, I thought it was me. Super Daddy would love me if I wasn’t so unlovable right? Let’s retrace shall we. I had not laid eyes on this man or heard his voice until I graduated high school since I was 9 years old but now, he was mad at me because I was going to spend the night with my school friends after my graduation. He hadn’t seen or spoke to me in 8 years but now spending one evening with me was the most important thing on his list, well, that is, if he was actually going to show up but he wasn’t. So do the math on that. Man mad at 17-year-old child for doing what 17-year-old kids do when they graduate from high school because she would be blowing him off if he hadn’t decided he wasn’t coming. So, he is mad at me for not going straight to see him even though he isn’t going to be at the place I was suppose to go straight to see him. I know it’s complicated, but it comes much easier to understand once you’ve been through it a time or two.

We finally had a relationship after I had my first son. We went to live with him for 7 months the year Lance turned 2 (he is 33 now). It was hard to live with someone so controlling but I think I might have stayed if I didn’t miss my family so much (especially Granddaddy). I worried about who was taking care of Trista and I think I had an emotional breakdown worrying over her while I was there. There were good things about it and bad. I’m going to tell you the good things.

He did love me. He was so proud of me. He even learned to squeak out an I love you sometimes. He loved the shit out of Lance and Lance loved him too. I watched him so hard, always studying him to see what of me was also of him every time I was around and could. Even after I moved back to Tennessee and went back to visit, I studied him like he was a cell under a microscope. I had his broad shoulders. The man was a vitamin taker just like me. He loved to walk, and I loved to hike. He wanted to be healthy and did what a man could do that grew up like he grew up at the time he grew up to be that way. He loved babies. He was so good with them. I got such a charge out of watching that part of him. He was stinking funny. It was subtle. The kind of humor that must be followed by, “that was a joke.” The same humor I have. He was brutal with his honesty. I cannot even imagine him telling a lie. He wouldn’t be nice just to spare your feelings because that would be pretending he was something other than who he was. I’m the same way. I don’t know how you get that through DNA, but I did. I could see it so perfectly in him because it was in me like a clone or carbon copy. I understood this part of him and loved it so much.

Over the years we had exchanges that left me the bad guy and always seemed to make him take the position that he was being used. The kids said Grandpa Joe always took them to buy a toy when he came and that meant they only cared about him for that one thing. I stopped to see him (at Bryan’s urging) on the way to the beach one time and he said I didn’t come to see him; I just needed a place to stay. It’s exactly what I told Bryan would happen and he said he would just be so glad to see me he wouldn’t care we would be leaving the next morning. Bryan told me he’d never ask me to go back there again after that. My sister’s kids were living with him and he gave her daughter to foster care to punish her and when I found out about it, it left me feeling abandoned all over again just as if his abandonment of her happened to me. It’s what finally made me give up on him. I did not know how to make him see that a baseball bat to the head would not make me stop loving him. I just decided to love him from my house and my state. I was just tired of the game he played were I ended up hurting him without doing a single thing but try to love him in whatever way he would let me. I don’t know what year it was the last time I looked at his face. It was at least a decade ago.

My Dad’s sister started corresponding with my brother recently telling him that he was sick. I thought about going but I could see how my stepmom would try to make me feel guilty and wrong if I did show up. I could see him getting upset and telling me that I just showed up when he was on his deathbed, so I could inherit whatever there is. I also thought about writing the story of it all like I’m doing here so he might see that I love him and that I could have shown him if he’d allow me to do it my way without him blaming me like he’d always done. I thought telling our story from my perspective might finally help him see his part in the ending of our relationship. I thought I’d send it through Facebook to my nephew Zach or stepmom Jean and see if they would give it to him and it could be our start to mend. The day (9-17-19) I was going two write to him I pulled an oracle card for guidance and it said to “forgive those people and situations you’ve been dragging around a while.”  It asked, “What or whom do you need to release?” I took this as a sign that the forgiveness and the releasing this situation was on me and I told myself that letter was not supposed to be. What if he was so sick it crushed him to know the life he left me in for all those years and I also wondered if asking another family member to deliver it was fair to them. Do you tell someone you’d know how much I love you if it you didn’t make it so hard for me to show you while they are in the middle of dying?

My brother gave up on him probably a decade before I did, and they had not spoken in years. Joey would avoid him if he came to visit when he still tried because he was hurt. You can read my story here but Joey has his own story and his own complicated feelings. I can tell you my story but not his because while I was cowering in my corner growing up trying to protect my own self, he was living his story that I did not have time to always pay attention to. We don't always get along, so I finally realized that including my dad when he didn’t, did not win me any points with him. I decided to follow his lead and if he changed his mind about him, I’d do what he wanted to do about our sick father. It's not Joey's fault I didn't go. It was my choice and this is how I decided to deal with it. Joey didn’t have 7 months of living under his roof at the age of 22. He didn’t get to see all the things that were our dad that are him too. There is so much. Joey never changed his mind. Daddy died this morning without us.

I know you probably think I’m tormented over that but I'm not. Joey might be but he shouldn’t be. Here’s why:

You won’t believe this because you did not grow up in a culture that supports this belief even though there are so many cultures that do. When we are born, we have a plan. We have a team. We’ve always been on that team. We determine what lessons we need to learn, how best to make that happen and what parts we will play in each other’s life to support it all. Maybe I’ll be your sister in this lifetime and next life I’ll be your father. Sometimes your life will be filled with pain and sickness to learn that lesson you chose before birth, sometimes it will all be happy and sometimes your job Is to help advance someone else on your team. You choose. Even when you seem like the bad guy you have made a choice to live in a way you may be hated or unloved just to advance yourself, some other soul or the souls of the whole team. Being the bad one may be the biggest sacrifice of anyone on your team.

Reincarnation cases have been studied by the thousands and hold up to scrutiny. People sometimes remember every detail of a past life and can remember details that can be traced back to their origin. It happens with children but if not given prompt attention over time they will forget. Sometimes they even remember their team and deciding on who will be their parent. Daddy was on my team and so is Joey.

I’ve learned when I cannot fix a relationship in the flesh, to do it through soul. This week I realized that my Dad might try to wait for me to finally show up for him and it hurt my heart thinking that he might.  I talked to him through spirit Tuesday morning on my way to work in Lafayette drowning in tears. I told him, “Don’t wait on us. We aren’t coming.” I said, “When you go back to spirit you will finally realize how much I love you; you’ll see me, and you will feel it too.” I told him we will convene there and if he wanted to talk to me, I’d hear it. I told him if he wanted me to tell Joey anything, I’d hear that too and I’d convey the message. I can do that. It’s not the first thing I tell people I’m meeting the first time. It first happened when my Granddaddy (George) died and it’s happened a few times since. I cannot control it. I wish I could. I wish I was one of those people you could ask about your dead aunt and I’d get you answers but I cannot do it. It happens when it happens. He hasn’t spoke to me yet, but I can tell you this. He knows that I always loved him. I never expected him to be something he wasn’t. I let that go. I can accept he wasn’t the dad I thought I needed. We are good on this. No hard feelings.

Joey you are good with him too. Don’t ever feel bad. He loved you and he knows you love him too even if it was lost during this life. It was part of the plan that it would turn out this way. He taught our souls not to neglect the babes we brought into this world. He taught us to always be there for them. It was his job and he did it by showing us how it would feel to not have someone there for you and it ended with him learning that lesson for his self when at the end, we weren’t there for him.

He played his part, we played ours and I am thankful for this. I love him and cannot wait to team up with him again. Maybe next time we won’t have to be at odds with each other. Thank you, Daddy. Our love surpasses all time and dimensions. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

How Can I Shock You With A Title That'll Make Your Read This Post? I know. I'll say F*ck Again. You Seem To Like That.


I sat closely watching the meltdown. She was crying hard with few pauses to catch her breath. She said no one would ever stay and that it was the scars from her burns that was pushing him away. I looked at her and even through her tears I could only see physical beauty that completely took all of anyone's attention. She was an amateur dancer on a reality show who'd just had a fight with her boyfriend. She shared her hurt with a counselor that worked at the show helping the participants handle the emotions of being in the spotlight. He was trying to reassure her when her boyfriend came back in and took over. It turned out to be a little fight that got over blown and the boyfriend seemed to really care about her. 

The counselor came to join me after he walked away. As we talked about what had just happened, I said, "Do you think she will use it for a crutch for not figuring it out?" And then I woke up.

This was all just a dream I had last night but I didn't want to say that right away because I know how little anyone cares about other people’s dreams, but it seemed to mean so much.

When I said "use it for a crutch for not figuring it out" I was saying she might always see her scars as an obstacle for not having what she wants and being who she is supposed to be.

When I woke, I thought about how we all do this. We all have something (scars) that keeps us from seeing the truth. When things aren't the way we think they should be or we are not being who we think we should be, we use these crutches as an excuse because we are actually afraid of having what we want or maybe afraid that we cannot have what we want. It's easier to cop out and say I can't because I have this thing that will forever prevent me from the life I want. Maybe it's your gender, the country you were born in, your looks, you've been abused, the shape of your body, sexual preference, you feel unlovable, the color of your skin, you grew up poor, someone else is more talented, did not go to college, had kids too young, don't have any help, are always sick, God is punishing you or maybe you are just not good enough. We always have something standing in the way of us stepping into our awesomeness. If we could drop that crutch would awesomeness be immediately on the other side? If we always live in the shadows, life continues same same, every day.

What is your scar? What is your crutch? Who would you be without it?

Friday, September 20, 2019

hello



I have basically abandoned this space but didn't mean to. I have spent so much money on energy healing, energy healing classes, breathwork sessions and ceremonial healing classes this year that this has been where my loyalty lies and not writing. When I'd come here and pull up "new post" I'd think I would write and wouldn't, or I would write but never publish. Once I sat down to write, I'd think about my healing process and how I was somewhere in the middle of it, and how maybe waiting till I was further in might be more beneficial. Do I have anything I can share at this point in the journey that can't wait till I'm closer to clear? My answer was always wait. The problem is I/you won't ever be clear of the need to heal. If we heal through those big things like childhood trauma and previous relationship trauma, then we are just trying to keep the cords cut that attach to us daily when we connect with others positively or negatively. We are seldom, if ever, in our own energy and detached from the influence of others. It's just part of living.

Before I got serious about healing, in my opinion, I was stuck in stage 2 of fight or flight almost 24 hours a day. I'd think I was in some sort of cool down period where I was finally going to release the stress and then something at work would usually send me back in the stress cave again. I ended up at a chiropractor for an emergency visit but even after I got realigned, I was still having severe muscle spasms for days. Once I recognized and got real about what I was doing to myself, I planned to finally get in my own energy and try to stay there.

If you watch my Instagram stories then you know most mornings I'm up before daylight, going to my studio to meditate and do breathwork. Then once a month I am on a call with Satya Colombo being held accountable for doing my healing work, as well as a once a month group call with Satya laying down his knowledge in bits and pieces, to allow us all to consume at the rate he feels is beneficial. Do I dread the calls? I do because I know he is going to make me talk about how it's all going and sometimes it makes me feel like I'm going backwards in the moment. It's not. It's anything but. The dread is me not wanting to face my own crap. He's so good at not pointing it out but making me realize it for myself. He said on our last call that a few people dropped out of our group and I can tell you that I'm sure it's people resistant to healing because they still find some sort of comfort in being a victim or they don't want to do the work. I think many of us feel this but for those that are ready we are pushing passed the resistance.

So, what do I have to tell you about my process? I'm better. Right now, it's been 18 days since I had a day that work was all I could think about. I've slept better. I'm calmer. I've dreamed so much. I wake up on most days and I cannot wait to see the people in my office, see what the day brings and just smile and laugh at our mutual predicament of having jobs that never get easier. Generally, the people in both offices are making decisions about the wellbeing of over 200 people and how to schedule 170 workers into those more than 200 spots. There are a lot of lives on the line and we also must make sure we aren't sending our workers into homes we wouldn't want to be in ourselves. Stress people! I'm handling it better right now than I ever have. I'm figuring it out. 

I am planning to have a retreat this fall to teach what I've been learning. I'll be renting a local house that is large enough to hold sessions for a group of about 5 to 6 people over two days (a weekend). It will be free this first time because it will be practice for me to continue this work in the future. Think about it. I know I'm being vague about what this will include but closer to time I'll be more concrete. If you feel lead to join me I'd love it. You can email, text me (if you know my number) or DM me through Instagram. Both the email and Instagram info is on this page. I know if you decide to join in you will walk away refreshed and excited about what is next to come.

So that's a little about where I've been and a vague synopsis of what I've been up to.

Peace O U T


Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Free Your Mind and The Rest Will Follow


We live in America, home of, you must try every day to meet some measure no one knows the sum of and land of, you'll never be good enough.

You know yourself that this is part of everyday life for any one LGBTQ+, non black and non male. It’s not like that just for these people, I know but we know the concentration is probably higher for them. It’s this way for everyone living in this country.

A big part of the problem is religion. We see it on our money, our monuments, our TV screens, bumper stickers, signs and in the way we speak. We are saturated with it. If you’ve ever for a moment entertained the idea of turning from religion, you know the weight of it. For some, that weight is heavier. If you pastor a church, grew up in a religious family, or attend church weekly you know the weight of it. The deeper the roots run and embed, the harder it is to walk away or think of walking away. You probably cannot do it. Most people don’t have the courage or strength.

How does this fear become so ingrained in who we are? It’s a cult like hold. The last person to know they are in a cult is someone in a cult. That is what religion is and what it’s designed to do. It’s designed to keep you in fear. That is how they keep you in the cult. They play on your fears and make you feel like they are the only thing that can fill you up in ways you lack on your own. You are not good enough but with us it doesn’t matter, because we can fill up the rest. If you don't feel any fear when you question your religion, then maybe you aren't in a cult.

If you are a religious person you fell for this. I bet if you are a religious person you might have thought about clicking off this post out of fear. If you haven’t clicked away, I bet you want to. You aren’t thinking for yourself. You think with the hive mind you’ve been taught to embrace.

If you want to get off the hamster wheel, there is only one thing you can do. Stop believing. You don’t have to do it for the rest of your life but stop and stop for a long while. There is one thing I can tell you as someone who has, it will be okay. It will not only just be okay; it will be mind-altering and amazing. If you cannot do this long term, do it for a day, a week or a month.

Here is what will happen. You will be free. You will learn. You will know things you were not previously capable of knowing. The first thing you will know for certain is there is nothing in the universe that will judge you or condemn you for going your own way. Your veil will be lifted. You will feel peace.

When you start to see and feel peace, you will extend it to others. You won’t be perfect, no but when you stop judging yourself, you won’t have as much need to judge anyone else.

We all strive so hard for the things that are important to us but for what? Do you truly think obtaining what you think you need will stop your need? Do you think there is a level at which your life becomes perfect?

How did we become a world of people who satisfaction is not possible? We can stop this right now. It’s ours to have. It doesn’t mean that we become complacent with the mundane but that we embrace self-love.

So, why don’t we just walk out right now into the world and look the first person we see in the eye and just breath and smile. “Hello Soul,” we’ll say in our heart and we know that we are the same and that is something beautiful that does not need to be filled up.

When it’s all said and done, you might embrace spirituality again but this time you can build it back up without the inherited ideas. You can choose every building block and stack them as you wish. If you don’t return, that is perfect too. You cannot do it wrong. Keep your mind and heart open and be moved as your spirit shows you.

Love peace and light.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Energy Healing



So, it’s time we had this little talk. I now hold three certificates in Energy Healing and I've studied 4 modalities. Every Energy Healer is probably a little better at some things than others. I think what I’m really good at is helping people connect to their freedom to be themselves. I can help you find that space where you hold back who you are out of fear and then heal it.

We all have something in us that is a vital part of our character that we got a "no" message to during some part of our life and it’s holding us captive.

If you are a woman you may feel like you belong to your family instead of yourself.

If you are LGBTQ+, living in a small town (any town really) you may have gotten the message that who you are is wrong and maybe you don’t understand the people who said "no" to who you are were the ones who were wrong.

If you are a man you think you cannot be vulnerable or softhearted.

If you are a child you may feel like even when you have the best intentions, your parents say "no" to who you are and what you feel called to do because they cannot understand.

All of these things stem from feeling like when you show up and be who you are, you have been told "no" to that. When we hear "no" in the form of punishment, argument or correction we sometimes record those things as fact and it takes bringing them forward to finally let them go and allow ourselves to be authentic.

I can help with these things. If you are interested in an energy healing session, just send me an email or call me if you have my number.

The first session is $60. If you cannot afford the fee we could probably work something out because I want to help you whether you have money or not.

Peace

Sunday, May 26, 2019

The Power of Now As Related to Shoulders



Today I’ve been doing nothing at all. I haven’t even brushed any of the things you brush or washed any of the things you wash and it’s 11:11AM (I just Instagram storied the proof). I stink and really need a shower but I really want to talk right now instead. I’ve got a few things to share about me. You can just count on the fact that when I share anything it is about me even when it appears, I’m writing to help others. I couldn’t write a word if the words I write didn’t come from somewhere and they always come from the space I’m in when I write. So, today’s share is about two things, being present and my stiff shoulders.

I wrote about my shoulders on this blog a few times like here and here. Today is a little different.

I go walk in the park at lunch at Key Park when I’m in Lafayette. Lately I’ve begun to see that I am urging myself to go faster with my shoulders. I never noticed that I do this. These lunch time walks made me finally notice it. I do notice I keep my shoulders tense but I never took in the fact that I’m actually pushing my shoulders ahead of the rest of me from the urgency to finish what I’m doing. I know when I’m at the park I don’t have very long to get my walk in, so I’m always pushing myself forward with my shoulders instead of just allowing my shoulders to be present with the rest of my body. I know this may sound crazy to you but I think if you are person with shoulder tension, back tension or headaches you may do this too. When I notice that I’m doing it now I remind myself that I cannot send my shoulders out into the world to get me to where I need to go a quarter second before the rest of me. It does absolutely no good. I’ll then rest them and remind them as much as I need to that they can just enjoy being in the moment because all that extra work I have them doing is for nothing. It’s not just my walks in the park, I do it driving, walking into work, going out to eat, I just never stop doing it until I remind myself that I’m doing it. It is all part of not being present in the current moment and wanting to get to the next. When I finally understand I’m doing it again and remind myself to be present, pay attention to where I’m at and not where I think I need to be next, it so liberating. It helps me enjoy now, right now.

Thursday, April 25, 2019

I am Sighing a Breath of Peace



While I plot out my path into this wild world I’m always thinking about my lessons. I never stop thinking about learning, will I learn anything from this, have I taken everything from the situation that I can and/or is there a limit that I should reach or have reached in by ability to learn. I’m never satisfied with the me that I am. I’m always striving to be better. You cannot see this. You may suspect it but you can’t see that I’m doing this when I’m doing it. And…I don’t know your struggles either.

I always write about the things that I’ve come to know on my blog and I do it because I want to teach from and share my struggles so that maybe someone else might not have to go through the same thing.

Today I want to talk about something I see as probably my greatest struggle. Here goes, I’m going to say this out loud. My relationship with both of my parents. It’s not so much that I cannot forgive them as much as it is that I cannot forgive myself for not wanting to keep up with this charade. I don’t want to dig down into the specifics but I will say this and be done. My mother and stepfather did not like me, their faces soured to see me walk into the room and I knew and still know that they counted every second until I’d finally be gone. My mother told my grandparents that about me and my brothers. My father just disappeared for a decade and then expected me to just act like that didn’t happen and also expected me to always be responsible for making sure we had a relationship. Well, both my parents did and still do that last thing.

Okay, so I’ve whined about the poor me part of this story and I know for people who don’t have parents that it would seem like just having parents would be enough to be grateful for. I get that but there are plenty of holes I’ve left in this story that are not necessary to tell the things I’m about to say.

I do forgive my parents. I know they are human, I’m human and we all make mistakes. I just think we have finished the roles we were supposed to play in each other’s lives. I talk a big game about how I don’t care what other people think of me but in this case, I hate when people judge me for not visiting my parents. I just got tired of having to carry the entire relationship responsibilities all on my own, my whole life. If my parents are open to sitting down with me and renegotiating these relationships where the burden of maintaining them is not solely placed on me, I’d be happy to do that but otherwise I’m finished.

So, knowing all of what I just said I want to tell you how, after so long, I’ve finally put this into a perspective I can live with. I have worried enough about how it makes me look if I don’t pursue these relationships. I am through with anyone’s judgement and/or hurt feelings. I want to say but never will, “It’s okay that you didn’t want to be parents. It’s okay if you don’t like me or want to be around me. We do not have to pretend. Call me when you need something/anything. We’ll see each other on the major holidays at family gatherings but we never have to pretend to like each other again. My feelings are not hurt. I appreciate the fact that you gave me life and didn’t let me starve or freeze to death. I appreciate the lessons I learned when you didn’t parent me the way I needed. I learned so many powerful lessons from that. These lessons made me who I am and I would never want to change any of that. We have been what we were supposed to be to each other and now we are finished with that. I hope the rest of your life is happier than it’s ever been and that everyday you live is a healthy one. Peace”

This is my pretend conversation and it’s allowing me to finally move on and stop blaming myself for not wanting to keep rewarding people who don’t like me by keeping up one end of a relationship.  

If this helps anyone else that will make me happy.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Well Hello

I have wanted to write in this space so many times but I just won't do it if I'm not totally wide open to do so. I cannot force it and I'm not today. I'm actually feeling 100% happy with this decision.

Earlier today I told anyone who watched my Instagram stories that I was about to do a new video and maybe you came here to see. I hope so.

Prepare yourself to hear something you've probably never had pointed out to you. It might scare you that I would say such things and and it might scare you to hear it. I can assure you that I am not the first person to point these things out. Wayne Dyer said it over and over before his death.

Note: Just to clarify before you watch the video I said Psalms 82:16 but I had contacts on that I use to see distance and cannot see close with them. It's actually 82:6. 



It amazes me that Jesus quoted Psalms to say for the second time in the bible that "You Are Gods." It's really no different than Buddhism. Buddhism asks us to take responsibility for our lives and that is what God and Jesus both are saying when they say this. They want to get it in our heads that the decisions we make are our own and tell us that how our life turns out depends on the type God we chose to be. We have the power. How much more permission do we need to use it.

If all this makes you uneasy and makes you want to think about what Jesus and God could have meant other than exactly what they said,  I want to refer you back to this post and what Suelo said about the inability of Christians to accept and be comfortable with Jesus' teaching.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

funk



I have been going through some funk here lately but the sunshine yesterday and today seems to be what I needed. I feel bolstered. I didn't want to blog or Instagram story or any kind of silly bullshit like that and these things, I normally love. Oh, and it's winter yall. It gets me every time. I'm a grouch all winter.

It's not just sunshine that's pulling me up. It's also this book and the 2 minute cold shower finishes that it told me to do.  I've just started that. I'm mean just started like yesterday and today. Okay, so like two. But I think it's doing something good for me. I don't know, just try it yourself and report back if it made you feel like you were the sexiest, ass kickin' person in line at the grocery store checkout. It worked for me. This book is amazing though and that's not hyperbole. See, I've never used the word hyperbole in my life and you can take that to the bank. You know what else? I just did a quick proofread of what I've wrote so far and I've never used the world bolstered before either. What the hell? 

Here's something I never do. I want to invite anyone who needs help remembering happiness and wellbeing to allow me to help them using energy healing. I can do it as a distant healing without your presence but I love doing it in person. I've been practicing it for a five years now but have not made it into a business or constant in my life. I still want to keep practicing but I want to take it passed family and the few friends who have sweetly allowed me to work on them. Not saying no friends cause those are the people I'd love to help. I'm just saying I need more people. So, don't be shy, just send me a DM and say I'd like to try that crazy thing you do. It really can change your life. I promise. You don't even have to know what it's all about. Just let me deal with that. Okay, any takers?

Now go buy that book and when you shower stand in the cold 2 minutes before you get out. Stop whining and just do it. Then, maybe you can use words you never use but also double check to make sure you used them right too. Come on, I had to look them up. I thought "I cannot believe those words just came out of me/I hope I used them right, better check. Damn I'm good. Must have been the cold showers." If that sounds good to you, then do it. It's just two minutes. Stop pulling me back in. I've got to go.  

The End!