Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Love Doesn't Hurt

They'd probably blame Eve. Yeah, they would. The world is full of hate, hurt, fear, total disillusionment and what seems like evil. Eve didn't do that. People think that because it's easier to blame than to take responsibility. 

If you wake every morning and feel sorrow for the state of the world and the state of your life, you made that choice by thinking about what will be or what once was. Happiness, love and light are only here now. Nothing you can do with thoughts outside of now will change anything. You cannot fret your past away and you cannot worry your future into the perfect life. 

When we hear stories on the news of how people in the world are hurting one another it is not from love, it is from fear and hate. When we chose to always focus on these things, we become contributors to what drives this sort of behavior. It's why we war. If we could think on these people with love, who we both fear and hate, then the energy of the universe would shift. And in turn if these people could also look on us with love in return, a miracle would take place. This is probably when you start saying "yeah but they are killing innocent people". We have been killing innocent people since America has been America. We can "yeah but" this to death but until we can focus on love instead of fear and hate, we are going to be batting this ball around until we see the destruction of all we hold sacred. Where does it end. 

I am just as guilty as anyone about worrying over the gloom and doom of it all. What I have written here is straight from my soul's intuition and is a lesson I'm trying to learn. I am bent on figuring out how to always send love to people who don't make it easy to love. I know it's seems hard. It is hard. 

People say they believe in miracles when it seems like we mostly believe in fear and hate. Love cannot hurt anyone. If it's not from love then it's never gonna heal the state of the world or the state of a person's life. A lot of really smart, life changing people knew this and shared it with anyone who would listen. Listen now.

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy to a friend.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

“Hate, It has caused a lot of problems in the world, but is has not solved one yet." ― Maya Angelou 

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”― Mahatma Gandhi 

“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. “ ― Proverbs 23:7(KJV) 

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.“ ― Buddha

“I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there.”  Mother Teresa

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Hiking Big South Fork

I don't even know now many times I've hiked in this park. I don't know how many times I've walked the various trails. I don't know how many times I've looked on the Twin Arches or sat on the porch of the Charit Creek Lodge. I can tell you this, no matter the number of times, each time has nourished my soul.

Friday, February 20, 2015


If you don't believe in magic then you are not doing it right. When we were tiny people the folks who loved us thought teaching us about "reality" was the right thing to do. You knew about magic when you came here, we all did. It didn't take long for those people who forgot about magic to teach you it wasn't real. They meant well. These lessons were handed down through generations. It felt real to them and it felt right to show us the way. They didn't mean to get it wrong, they just forgot. 

I search all the time to find ways to be happy and to be able to help others be happy and in my search much evidence has presented itself to me that there is still magic in the world. Since I've started to take notice I can feel it in my bones and it runs chills up my spine. 

You can think I'm off my rocker or you could just open up your heart to receive a little magic and it wouldn't take long until you'd see I'm right. Remember this when you feel stifled in getting your needs met.

Jealousy is born out of your desire to have that thing the other person has because this sort of thing was meant to be yours. You would not have the desire otherwise. You don't go around being jealous of people who have things that you don't desire for yourself. If coin collecting isn't my thing then I'm not going to be jealous of someone who has a rare coin. 

I just posted this on my Facebook page because I didn't want anyone who doesn't click over to my blog to miss it:

If you want something don't just stand around holding the seed for it in your hand. Plant the damn thing in the ground and let nature take it's course. You can't blame anyone else because you never see results if you won't place that seed out there where it can get the sun it needs to grow. You wouldn't have the seed if it weren't meant for you. You want what you want because it's always been yours. You just need to let it grow. Don't you think if Alexander Graham Bell had been meant to be a doll maker that he would have at least been born with some inclination to want to make a doll? You get this. I know you do.

Make a little room for magic. Those people who told you not to were wrong. 

Thursday, February 19, 2015

my thoughts on nearing 1/2 a life if i live to be 100

I'm only 48 right now. In October I will be 49. That will be one year away from 50. I seldom think about this but when I do, I feel overjoyed at the fact I'm healthy, med free, and still kicking a lot of ass. There are a lot of people that mourn every decade of life away. I've never been like that. My mother is and was always that way. That makes me sad for her. When I think about the way my life has gone, bad to good and back again, I am so grateful to be present and accounted for. It has been amazing in every way.

Maybe I can help those of you folks that mourn your decades passing. Could sharing my perspective maybe ease the pain? I don't know but let's give it a try.

I remember a time when looking my very best mattered a lot to me. I even remember when I stopped getting a lot of attention for being a young single female. That took getting used to, I won't lie but I knew there was a lesson there. Life having it's seasons is a beautiful thing and should not be seen as just getting old. Here's my take.

In your twenties you explored. You stretched your wings and tried to learn to be in the world. Before that the reality of your being was shaped by being under your parents wing or being pushed out of their wing because they felt you were in the way. Maybe your guardianship was left to adults other than your parents. Either way, you did not have a lot of chances to exercise personal choice. So, your twenties were really where you got to build those muscles. You made mistakes. You got some stuff right. You learned some lessons. At this point your body was made for a twenties lifestyle.

Your thirties you knew a lot more and probably became a little more settled. If you'd always been settled, maybe you decided to stretch your wings and be in the world because, until this point, you'd not had the chance. Your looks started to change a little. If you jumped into the air maybe you didn't jump as high and when you did, the landing felt harder than it had in the past. You could still do all the things you did before but you noticed that your body wouldn't always be the same. You'd experienced life a bit and you could look back and see all the lessons people had offered you, only now you got them and you understood what they wanted you to see then but couldn't for lack of experience. During this time you really started to build on calm and meaning in your life. The small shifts in your appearance and physical abilities made it easier to calm and find meaning. Life became less about appearances and more about substance.

Your forties came and your body and looks continued to change. You had lived. You were probably more you at this point than you had been since you were born of your mother. You could let the appearance and shifts in your body make you stagnate but you didn't have to. You could still do all you could before, although a little slower but because you were a little slower you paid more attention to the details because there was no rush. The fact that your looks were changing shouldn't have been of importance to you because you once had that and now you have this. It's been that way every decade. "You once had that and now you have this." There is no need to mourn what passed because this decade was the opportunity to not worry over the trivial things like you did in your twenties. Being adorable had ran it's course but you knew enough by now to make a happy life. Your beauty didn't leave you, it was just repackaged in a container that was less about the container and more about the contents of the container.

Every decade in the process of aging makes you more present. As you cast away your childish ways of being, you make room to be where now takes place. If you can be in the now instead of mourning the past, you can begin to see the beauty in life that you might have missed out on because you focused on things that were trivial when you were young. Looking at the long game, wouldn't you rather be forever fabulous because you finally get it or temporarily youthful looking and inexperienced again?

I cannot tell you about 50 but if it's more of 40 but smoother as life has been with each decade, I'll take it, buff it up, shine it and make it my own. I couldn't always do that in my 20's but I'm equipped to do it now, as are you. You've never been more awesome.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

an evening of play

Here are a few photos of Camden, Rylee and Kallee from the last time they came to hang out with us. We like to make messes, noise and play with video games. It's always a good time. They've all been sick and we have been sick. So, we've tried to put a little distance between us all to stop us from passing this stuff back and forth. I cannot remember a time when winter sickness was this bad. Everyone we know has been effected by it. Sky is our only family member who hasn't been sick. Both me and B have had this stuff twice each.

It's so fun to look back at our play times with our nieces and nephew. It makes me feel happy and filled with love. They get us. We make a great little team.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

to Ikea we go

Here are few photos from our day trip to Ikea. We had a fun day, topping it off with a stop at The Hot Chocolatier  in Chattanooga, That will not be my last time there. We also hit up Community Pie while we were there. The 3 of us have been there before and we all love it. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

where'd she come from, putting the bow on it

I can remember years ago when I always looked for something/someone to bring meaning and fullness to my life. I looked externally for that thing that was going to make my life better. Was there a right guy (well yes there was a right guy but that's not the point) or a lesson that was going to make my life perfect? First I had to give up on having a perfect life. There are too many variables and too many people in the world for anyone's life to be perfect. We've all gotta give up on that.

It started when I was in my early twenties. I saw an elderly couple at Shoney's when the boys were still small. The couple looked like perfect happiness to me. It got me thinking that, after living many years, maybe they had learned all the right lessons and because of that their life was now total bliss. So there I went. I decided to get a jump on it. It was time for me to cram. I wanted to learn all they "probably" knew while I was still young so that I could start being happy sooner and longer.

Okay, so eventually I learned that getting older wasn't what makes people happy. My job is working with elderly folks on a daily basis. So, the proof is in front of me all the time that age has nothing to do with happiness. I have also realized that if people never learn that they choose to be happy or sad then they will continue to carry unhappiness with them no matter what age. Once they spend a lifetime thinking that a bad life happened to them, it's much harder to get them to see that they chose it.

Now I'm going to get into the real point of this whole thing.

If you are looking everywhere to find the thing that is going to make you happy you are going to be looking your whole life. It is not out there.

Sit down and tell your story. Write it on paper, tell it to a friend or speak it into a voice recorder on your phone but tell it. Tell it, every terrible and happy detail and tell it like you are proud of it. As long as you hold back, never meeting it head on, you will keep looking for something/someone to make you happy when really the thing you are looking for is YOU. YOU, exactly like you are!!!!!! The self loathing keeps you looking for love that will take that loathing away. You can be that love. You can learn to love yourself. You want to find someone to accept you and make you feel worthy of love because you do not accept you nor do you love yourself. You think if someone else can love you your life will be complete. It's not that way. If you can learn to love yourself then your wholeness will finally draw that person your way that you can find happiness with. There are a lot of people who put the cart before the horse on this and then they end up in a relationship that won't last unless they are willing to work this all out while they are with that person. As long as you have that old ghost of you in the closet that you don't want others to see, he's gonna haunt you and you'll always be afraid someone else is going to see him.

If you think you are off the hook because you have someone you'd be wrong. If you are in a happy relationship that feels like a partnership between two people who treat each other as equals and love each other just as you both are then you are off the hook. If you cannot say that then you are still looking to find YOU. People try to shape other people because they feel themselves like they need shaping. People do not treat other people as less and they do not try to change others unless they themselves feel like they need changing. You do not treat people poorly or allow people to treat you poorly unless you don't feel whole.

Our relationships are a mirror we hold up in front of us. If you like what you see in the other person then you've already done something right or it's just to early to know. If you don't like it then there is work to be done. The work starts with you first. If you learn to love yourself the bumps will either smooth out or the person will leave (or you will ask them to leave) the relationship to make space for that person that mirrors the shiny new you. In my case I had to let the person go because they wanted me to stay the same as I was at 23. Wanting things for myself made them feel like they weren't getting loved anymore and I had grown tired of living my life for them and having nothing left for me. This can happen with friends as well.

Those things you don't love about yourself have another life. Every bad thing you can think of has an opposite. One of my things (we've discussed before/kind of worn it out by now) is that I am stubborn. That can be an asshole of a trait but there's a good side to it too. Because I am stubborn I will stand my ground if I need to. I will find a way. And I will not let anyone talk me into something I don't agree with.

Do this, draw a line down a page to make two lists. On one side put "my bad traits" and the other side write "How does it work for me?" For everything you list that you don't like about yourself, beside it, on the other half of the page, write about how it serves you in your life in a positive way. You will see that you need those bad traits because without them your paper would be blank on both sides.

If there is no good in the trait, there's a problem. You need to let go of that trait. An example of a trait that should be released is violent/abusive behavior. No one has to tell you this does not serve you or anyone else for the good. You already know it doesn't. Of all the people who could benefit from what I am saying here you need this the most. By brute force or emotional abuse you try to force people to be the thing that makes you feel better about yourself. That is not okay. They will never make you better and as long as you do this your life will never be happy. With this behaviour you try to force love and with this behavior you will always push it away.

If you allow others to abuse you, you are in a cycle that will be hard to get out of. Sometimes when people let others hurt them it is because the loving attention they get from family and friends for being a victim makes them feel valued. If they walk away they will have to learn to find value another way. This person is another person who could benefit a lot from the things I've said here. If you value yourself you'll never stay with an abuser. If you get trapped in the need for people to pity you, you will have a long struggle that won't end until you can break that cycle. You have to own your part. You make the choice of how you allow others to treat you. No one can make that choice for you.

I have to talk about this subject before I close this out because I never told you the other side of changing the way I parented.  I know most people won't agree with my parenting style and you are welcome to disagree but first let me tell you how it worked. My parenting evolved into treating my children with the same respect I'd treat anyone I was acquainted with. I allowed them to have a different opinion than me. Sometimes they didn't like my answer and I knew they were mad by the way they stomped back to their rooms but I allowed them their opinion. I didn't want to teach them that their opinion didn't matter. I can tell you this for sure, when I made that change they started to respect me more than they ever did when I was heavy on discipline. In high school Lance was talking to a friend who had to get off the phone because she was grounded and he asked her why she was always in trouble. She said it was because she talked back to her parents. He said, "I would never do that to my Mom and I can't even think of a reason why I'd ever need to." He told me this story like he couldn't believe children act that way. I taught my children to respect me when I learned to respect them. Sometimes we get wrapped up in the need to be right and the need to win and be respected. When we do this we turn parenting into a battle of wills when it doesn't have to be.

I started to turn my life around more than 20 years ago and it has only gotten better every year. I told my ugly dark side so now I'm trying to give you a timeline for when things changed. I've got a lot of years under my belt of living the way I do and I would never go back to the way I was before I saw that couple in Shoney's and decided to get happy.

I have spent the last week telling my stories and I have never had so many people respond to my posts like they have to these. Everyone who responded had something positive to say. I put my ugly truths out for everyone to see because I know there is power in that. We see each other in passing everyday and we never get to see inside a mind, a heart or behind a closed door. It is easy to think that people aren't going through a lot when you aren't walking in their shoes and all you see is just a face not knowing what's behind it. I promise you that we are all more alike than we seem. I wanted to be strong and stand up because I want to encourage you to be strong and stand up if you haven't ever felt like you could. It might be the thing that's been holding you back. You can do it and when you do, it will change your life forever. You've got this. You can start today. It's never too late. You don't even have to do it on Facebook like I did, so that should make it easier.

Telling you stories frees others to tell theirs. So, free yourself and free those around you.

note: I wish I could make posts like these short so people wouldn't mind reading them but it's hard to condense it all. If you stayed with me to the end of this series love your heart. You are awesome.

note: Oh and just in case anyone wondered about it, more people clicked on the promiscuity post than any other. Actually, that is the most viewed post I have ever written including ones that have been on here the longest and had way more opportunity for viewing. I can see that sort of thing in my blog stats people. Don't let that make you feel perverted though. See I've already begun to pull your skeleton's from the closet, wink wink. It's so funny it makes me smile. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

where'd she come from, calm and peaceful 48 year old GIRL

At this point I think you've all seen where I came from. I left out the larger details of the winds that blew through and caused me harm and felt a lot like tornados than a breeze. I could tell those stories in detail, I've done it before. I did it when I wrote my book back in 2001 (it's been here on the blog the whole time), it's all in there and all my friends know my "secrets". I could call names and tell you about tears, scars and not being able to breathe but it is not necessary. We all go through a lot in our lives. The point is that all of those things polished me up and chipped off a lot of my rough edges. I needed every tear and scar.

So much in my life has changed and yet there are some things that will forever stay the same. I will always be stubborn. My family knew from the beginning that I'd take nothing lying down.

I've always been a mama bear. When I love, I love fiercely. I won't let you hurt my people. Once you hurt one of my people I will never have anything to do with you again. Trust me, you can ask anyone whose done it. You can hurt me but you cannot hurt them. I'll forgive you all day for hurting me. Mom says just give me 5 minutes.  I see people who continue relationships with people who hurt their children in relationships and I wish I could be like that but I'm not that way. I cannot even imagine a picture of that happening in my head. I know that won't change. I wish it would and I'll still try but it's probably not gonna happen. I don't need everyone to like me.

I don't need everyone to like me. I know that is a repeated statement but I'm on to another point. I had rather help someone, heal someone and make them hate me than to see them make the same mistake over and over. It doesn't bother me to have to tell someone something that will make them mad at me if it will help them. Mrs. Arney my PE teacher and cheerleading sponsor taught me that.

I finally found a person who does not need me to suit him so that he feels better. I am not perfect and I know I probably get under his skin from time to time but he accepts me exactly the way I am and then I back up and do the same for him. I don't ask him to change in any way. I always have his back and cheer him on in every aspect of his life. I want him to be the best exact Bryan that he can be. I think he wants that for me as well, you know what I mean.

Our house is calm. We do not fight. No one ever yells in our home unless we are playing with children. In that case it is very loud. We play with everything (nothing is off limits), make messes and bang on every musical item we own and that is a lot. When you come into our home you will feel the truth in what I am telling you. Anyone whose been there will atest to that. We have an environment that supports being yourself and being at peace.

So that's where I am now.

notes to my people:
  • Again Bryan, I don't have to tell you anything because you know before I can say it. 
  • Again Mrs Arney, you've been my role model for years even though we lost you a very long time ago.
  • Again Lance & Sky, you know I wouldn't be the same if you had not been my children. I love your independence and how fiercely you are who you are. I wouldn't change a hair on your heads but Sky you know I like your hair long the best.