Friday, May 19, 2017

a different fuckery

We have got ourselves into a sad state of affairs. It didn't happen with the current president but he sure has amplified it.

I am a democrat and a liberal and I come at this whole thing from that perspective. So I'll use one of my guys to try to explain.

I remember when Al Gore ran for president the last time in 2000. I listened to him campaign in agony. I knew I was going to vote for him but the way he spoke felt like he was too hyper aware of how he would come off.  Instead of being himself and bringing his real message, you could tell he wanted to be seen a certain way and not piss off the wrong people. Like most politicians today his message was whatever he thought would get him elected. The only bigger letdown I'd met from my chosen party at that time was when Bill Clinton announced he was not a liberal when he obviously was/is. Bill Clinton got a BJ in the White House. Dude was liberal. It killed me when these guys pretended they weren't for marriage equality when we all knew they were. Friggin Obama didn't even get on board with marriage equality until it was more accepted. And yes, I love Obama but the truth is still the truth.

Even though Gore ended up winning the popular vote I could tell he wasn't connecting during the election. So, I emailed his staff to beg them to ask him to talk like a real person. Of course there was more to the email than that. I knew it was a long shot but I was truly worried he was blowing it and I wanted to help.

Cut to 17 years later and nothing has changed unless you count Bernie Sanders. Bernie blows me away. When I heard him speak I knew he didn't need an email from me telling him to be a real person. Hearing him was the first time I felt like I was hearing a politician say what they really felt and not what they thought would get them elected.

It's not the old white man's world anymore where people cannot seem to allow others to be who they are. It ain't gonna work on this new generation. They don't want people who hide behind big money and popular policies. That is why they loved Bernie. Bernie may be a 75 year old, old white man but he's cut from new cloth and we ain't seen this type cloth before.

I have always been a person that tries to do the right thing even if it gets me in hot water. I'm not going to profess to be something I am not and I can't be bought off in any way. There aren't a lot of people like that. Believe me I know and I know people like me when I see one. Most people are afraid to make waves or to not fit in. I don't have those fears. I'm not saying my way is the way to be. There are a lot of ways that being like me can hurt ya. Fitting in can carry you much further. I just don't care to go further if I have to be anything that I'm not.

For whatever reason (cough religion) our country has become a place where people think you should act and live only one way. Even when folks don't live that way they try to make you think they do. They must fit in. Not sure if our current political climate grew out of a country of people afraid of not fitting in or if  a country of whose politicians, play at being what you think they should be, grew the country as it is. Did the people grow US politics or did US politics grow the people. It's the chicken and egg thing. Either way, one of these things is going to have to change. We are going to have to wake up, stop pretending shit and stop being afraid to be real. When one side wakes up it will wake up the other. There should not be one Bernie Sanders in a field of Paul Ryan's.

We live a life to fit in. We expect everyone to live in a way they fit in. I know this is much more complex than I have stated. The possibility of being a person at all and then being the person with our unique traits is so small. So many eggs, so much sperm, so many parents, so many communities, so many countries and for whatever reason, we become a person with no copy out of those gazillion possibilities. No matter how special that makes us in this world, where no one is like us, all we care about is fitting in. We don't think about how we are different and one of a kind. We had rather make sure we are like everyone else. Fitting in becomes our goal. And not just the goal we set for ourselves, we want everyone to fit that same mold. Goodness forbid anyone become the exact person they were born to be.

Forget all the other fuckery in the world. This is the conversation we should be having. 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

fighting the rich man's battle

a pretty picture to go with the ugly truth

We send our boys off to war with a glint in their eye as they walk away to fight for America. They return too often with the fire burnt out and the inability to function again in society. They return and find it necessary to use mind altering means to get through their day. Not all of them are affected the same way but too many of them end up on the street without a home or enough care to give them back even half of what they lost. The glint, gone for good and then they are discarded like all they did meant nothing.

No one ever tells these young men the real reason they are being sent to fight. They just give them a bunch of rah rah America bullshit to get them amped up and that's really all it takes. It's generation after generation of handing down these lies and hardly anyone sees the real truth. Even if you see it it's almost impossible to live with killing innocent people for the lie so you have to push it down and tell yourself you did it for the right reason.

Why do we fight? We fight for the rich man to keep his slaves. We fight for the rich man's oil. We fight for the rich man's land. We fight for the rich man's military industrial complex because without war there'd be no money made by selling the supplies of war. No war/no money in the rich man's pocket. We fight and we fight and we fight for the rich man to stay rich.

Ever wonder how terrorist make money? How do they operate? Kickstarter? Collection plate? Who do ya think pays them?

These terrorist organizations are guns for hire and just like America they find innocent young men and make them believe they are fighting for a cause and they teach them to give up their lives for religion while these people profit off their innocence. And then every once in a while some young man/men will get all gung ho and decided to contribute to the cause by committing an act of terrorism on America soil and of course these organizations can't wait to take credit for the freebee.

Ever wonder if the countries we invade for oil think that we are terrorists? If you don't see us that way it could be because of the xenophobic/ethnocentric lens we use in America to see the rest of the world. America first is our psychological motto even when it doesn't have to be us or them. These people are living, thinking, feeling, breathing beings, as are we.

So terrorism=war machine=money and whether here or abroad, everyone is onboard and more than happy to do their part. Rich man gets richer and all is well and we get to keep waving the flag and telling ourselves that this is what it's all about.

How long are we going to keep falling for this?

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

what makes you a you and not a them

People say things to me like, "I could never get away with that," "I'd never be able to pull that off," & "I wouldn't look like you do if I wore that." Now they might just be trying to nicely say "you look like a fool" but if they do mean that, I am a fool because I don't believe that to be true.

Sometimes I go to an event and almost everyone is wearing pretty much the same thing. They wear what is in style right now or outfits that they see everyone else wearing. The easy thing to do is fit in. I don't want to dress just to fit in. I want to dress in what feels the most like me right down to my very bones. The biggest problem I have with clothing is when I look in the mirror and don't see me. I cannot swing that. I feel like an imposter. I have never put on a big stack of thick beads without looking in the mirror and saying to myself, who are you trying to be? It doesn't feel right. I'm not saying that people do not look amazing when they wear that but to me it does not feel right.

I think that dressing to fit in is just a symptom of  the bigger problems in society right now. We spend so much time trying to fit in that most of us have no clue who we are, what we like, and what is important to us. I remember when I noticed this the first time and how, at the time, I was no different. I modeled my life after the community I grew up in and I dressed and acted that part. By the time I had caught up with what had happened to me I didn't know who I was. I was strictly the product of the village that it took to raise me.

I took great pains to change all this and it started by trying to figure out who I was before the world sunk it's claws into me. I bought an old scrapbook and I filled it with the things that mattered to me. I tried to remember the things I liked as a child and all the things that made me a me and not a them. We are all different and I had to remember what made me different. I wasn't born to walk this world pretending that I'm agreeable and have no opinions or tastes that are not rubber stamped by society. I wanted to be whatever I am that makes me different from any other person on this planet. That took a decade.

During the time I was trying to figure it all out I was dating a person whose sole function in this world is to fit in and make sure no one ever finds out all the terrible things he does. Imagine how unsupportive he was with me when I was trying to be something other than a mold of what everyone expects. Yea, if you imagined no support, you were right. I moved through this time taking two steps forward and being dragged three steps back. I knew what I wanted but he wouldn't let me have it.

When I was finally able to break out of that suffocating relationship I finally found a person that supported me so fully that, had I dreamt of being supported, I would not have been able to fathom it in the way it turned out. Not even in my wildest dreams. I had no model for it in my life. Bryan Boles helped me be more me than I ever knew was possible just by holding my hand and never letting it go. He walked with me every step of the way and never asked me to be different.

I live like I want to live. I believe what I want to believe. I love who I want to love. I dress the way I want to dress. I spend my money the way I want. I say whatever I want to say. I do whatever I want to do.

The last thing on my mind is what anyone thinks about who I am. When you get this strong about who you are nothing anyone says, does or thinks will make a difference. You just shake it all off because you know that there is a little part of them that wishes they could have what you have and they are frightened they will never figure it out. You remind them that they are a shadow of what they could be and you make them worry that they'll always be that.

When someone says, "I could never get away with that" the thing they mean is they could never feel comfortable just being who they are. They are afraid of not fitting in. It does not have anything to do with me. It is a statement about how they feel about themselves. I am just that thing that reminds them. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

this is how you do it/finding love

I've got a tight circle around me but those people in that tiny circle know that one of the best things I've got going for me is mah marriage and mah man. They also know that 20 years ago I didn't intend to marry again. Oh how my family wanted me to find someone but oh how I didn't agree. My grandmother used to repeat the story over and over about how I used to complain about if I found someone they would take over my house. I'd have to share my couch and they might want my spot and I'd have to make space for their clothes in my closet. I meant all that. I had a picture in my head of growing old and gray, living in the country and how I'd be granny to all the children. There was never a grandpa with me in that picture that I had floating in my head. I was tough on marriage in that picture in my head. B can tell you I fought hard to keep my picture untouched but I lost that fight and I'm glad that I did. In this video I wanted to tell you the important parts of how I found love and why it's beautiful even 20 years later. I hear all your stories and I'm here to tell you that we have been sold the wrong story on finding love. I wanted to set the record straight. If after you watch this and you have questions about your own particular situation and how you might apply what I said here, please please please email me. I want you to have what I have and I know I can help.

I realize now that I didn't say much about finding someone if you don't have anyone but I have lots to say about that too. I'll try to touch on that in another video but it's not that complicated. You can do it.

So that's it.


Wednesday, May 3, 2017

mah new thing

So, I say I'll do better. I'll meditate, take time to do deep breathing, walk, & do some yoga everyday. I cannot tell you why (cause I don't know) but I have had zero disciple over the past year to 18 months. The day will come to and end and I will list, in my mind, all the things I should have done, could have done but didn't. Even with the best of intentions I end up forgetting all of it until it's too late and time to go to bed. It occurred to me a while back that I should use this tiny computer we call a phone to prompt me to do better but after a while that just became one more thing I should have done, could have done but didn't, until I did. I started Monday. I am using the app Alarmed and so far it is doing something for me I've not been able to do alone for 18 months. The plan is to stick to using this app until nature takes over and it becomes part of  how I operate. This app is making it so easy I probably won't want to give it up. Here is my schedule:

4:44 AM Read one chapter of a book
5:00 AM Yoga
5:20 AM Meditation
9:00 AM Take five deep breathes
10:00 AM Positive visualization or affirmation
12:30 PM Take five deep breathes
2:00 PM Positive visualization or affirmation
5:20 PM Walk for 20 minutes
5:35 PM Daily questions (see post below)
8:00 PM Meditation
10:00 PM Take five deep breathes

So it's early on (obvi) but I'll get back to ya on how this works. I'm excited to do these things that I should, could and maybe now will. You know the best part so far is that I don't even have to think about it. My phone does all the worrying so I don't have to think about forgetting. I just check it off as I go. LoVeRs forever. I hope. 

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Daily Q's

I'm not sure of the origin of this little practice but I'm pretty sure somehow I go it from Lissa Rankin who I believe to be a gift to this world. This is how it goes. Oh wait. I couldn't resist the draw to go visit Lissa at her site and find her version. The way she wrote about this is way too beautiful not share. You can find it HERE.

So you basically ask yourself these 3 questions and review your day backwards to find the answers, reviewing and answering each, one at a time.
  • What surprised you today? 
  • What touched your heart? 
  • What inspired you?
I do this practice a little different. I prefer to share this with my family and we are just picking it back up. Yesterday was my first day back. B was going to be late getting in so I went for a walk with Sky and we did this together then. Here are my answers:

Surprise - Joe (one of the owners of the company I work for) called me and thanked me for working on a little project that didn't take 30 minutes. Funny thing is he didn't even use my version but he was gracious enough to thank me anyway and to let me know it might look a little different when I got it back. I don't hear from these folks often so this was a sweet surprise. 

Heart - One of the members we care for called in the morning because her worker had not shown up. We apologized that we weren't at our best that day and she said we were the best company she's had. She said our worst was better than all the others best. That almost made me cry.

Inspired - A video I watched on Gaia with Barbara Hand Clow that explained how our species has had numerous periods of metamorphosis and we are currently going through one now and will continue to be over the next 10 years. That is why everything seems so amplified. She explained how in the end we will awaken with a new consciousness. That feels better to think about than thinking we are on a road we can never come back from in this lifetime. 

Give this little exercise a try whether you do it Lissa's way or find your own way. It is good for your head and heart wellbeing. It's my 5:30PM on my list of reminders throughout the day. 😉