Hello, again, hello

Hello my friends. This is my big announcement. I am going to start writing again. I never wanted to stop but my hands just stopped cooperating with my heart. I couldn’t do it anymore no matter how much I wanted to. I think the best way to get back to this is to tell you why this medium of artistry became unavailable to me. 

I did a 6-month intensive Somatic Breathwork series with a coach. In that time, I brought up a lot of harmful memories. These weren’t suppressed memories. They were just memories I keep tucked back where I’m not looking at them all the time. I resisted the real work of dealing with them because, honestly if that was something I really wanted to do, I would have already. I just wanted to be someone my family could continue to love because I didn’t stir that hornet’s nest. That didn’t really work for me. The more I resisted the more that was all I could talk about. I didn’t talk about it in a way that would help me heal. It was gossipy and embarrassing. I wanted to win everyone to my side of the story because that felt like that would make it better. What it did was make me hate myself at a level I’d never allowed before. I quit writing. What good could I put into the world? How could I offer anything of value when I was so messed up? 

Here I am today, not completely well. I’m better but I’m not where I once was. The thing someone helped me realize is how much I depend on creativity to work through the things I need to work through. When I stopped writing it just took away my outlet for healing and bringing people together that share in some of what I write about here. I lost myself and my tribe. 

So, I’m back. My brain is whirling with all the things I have wanted to address but could not meet the heart with the hands to do it. I hope there is still someone around waiting for me to reemerge. Love to you all and thanks if you didn’t abandon me.