Tuesday, October 15, 2019

How Can I Shock You With A Title That'll Make Your Read This Post? I know. I'll say F*ck Again. You Seem To Like That.

I sat closely watching the meltdown. She was crying hard with few pauses to catch her breath. She said no one would ever stay and that it was the scars from her burns that was pushing him away. I looked at her and even through her tears I could only see physical beauty that completely took all of anyone's attention. She was an amateur dancer on a reality show who'd just had a fight with her boyfriend. She shared her hurt with a counselor that worked at the show helping the participants handle the emotions of being in the spotlight. He was trying to reassure her when her boyfriend came back in and took over. It turned out to be a little fight that got over blown and the boyfriend seemed to really care about her. 

The counselor came to join me after he walked away. As we talked about what had just happened, I said, "Do you think she will use it for a crutch for not figuring it out?" And then I woke up.

This was all just a dream I had last night but I didn't want to say that right away because I know how little anyone cares about other people’s dreams, but it seemed to mean so much.

When I said "use it for a crutch for not figuring it out" I was saying she might always see her scars as an obstacle for not having what she wants and being who she is supposed to be.

When I woke, I thought about how we all do this. We all have something (scars) that keeps us from seeing the truth. When things aren't the way we think they should be or we are not being who we think we should be, we use these crutches as an excuse because we are actually afraid of having what we want or maybe afraid that we cannot have what we want. It's easier to cop out and say I can't because I have this thing that will forever prevent me from the life I want. Maybe it's your gender, the country you were born in, your looks, you've been abused, the shape of your body, sexual preference, you feel unlovable, the color of your skin, you grew up poor, someone else is more talented, did not go to college, had kids too young, don't have any help, are always sick, God is punishing you or maybe you are just not good enough. We always have something standing in the way of us stepping into our awesomeness. If we could drop that crutch would awesomeness be immediately on the other side? If we always live in the shadows, life continues same same, every day.

What is your scar? What is your crutch? Who would you be without it?