Thursday, April 25, 2019

I am Sighing a Breath of Peace

While I plot out my path into this wild world I’m always thinking about my lessons. I never stop thinking about learning, will I learn anything from this, have I taken everything from the situation that I can and/or is there a limit that I should reach or have reached in by ability to learn. I’m never satisfied with the me that I am. I’m always striving to be better. You cannot see this. You may suspect it but you can’t see that I’m doing this when I’m doing it. And…I don’t know your struggles either.

I always write about the things that I’ve come to know on my blog and I do it because I want to teach from and share my struggles so that maybe someone else might not have to go through the same thing.

Today I want to talk about something I see as probably my greatest struggle. Here goes, I’m going to say this out loud. My relationship with both of my parents. It’s not so much that I cannot forgive them as much as it is that I cannot forgive myself for not wanting to keep up with this charade. I don’t want to dig down into the specifics but I will say this and be done. My mother and stepfather did not like me, their faces soured to see me walk into the room and I knew and still know that they counted every second until I’d finally be gone. My mother told my grandparents that about me and my brothers. My father just disappeared for a decade and then expected me to just act like that didn’t happen and also expected me to always be responsible for making sure we had a relationship. Well, both my parents did and still do that last thing.

Okay, so I’ve whined about the poor me part of this story and I know for people who don’t have parents that it would seem like just having parents would be enough to be grateful for. I get that but there are plenty of holes I’ve left in this story that are not necessary to tell the things I’m about to say.

I do forgive my parents. I know they are human, I’m human and we all make mistakes. I just think we have finished the roles we were supposed to play in each other’s lives. I talk a big game about how I don’t care what other people think of me but in this case, I hate when people judge me for not visiting my parents. I just got tired of having to carry the entire relationship responsibilities all on my own, my whole life. If my parents are open to sitting down with me and renegotiating these relationships where the burden of maintaining them is not solely placed on me, I’d be happy to do that but otherwise I’m finished.

So, knowing all of what I just said I want to tell you how, after so long, I’ve finally put this into a perspective I can live with. I have worried enough about how it makes me look if I don’t pursue these relationships. I am through with anyone’s judgement and/or hurt feelings. I want to say but never will, “It’s okay that you didn’t want to be parents. It’s okay if you don’t like me or want to be around me. We do not have to pretend. Call me when you need something/anything. We’ll see each other on the major holidays at family gatherings but we never have to pretend to like each other again. My feelings are not hurt. I appreciate the fact that you gave me life and didn’t let me starve or freeze to death. I appreciate the lessons I learned when you didn’t parent me the way I needed. I learned so many powerful lessons from that. These lessons made me who I am and I would never want to change any of that. We have been what we were supposed to be to each other and now we are finished with that. I hope the rest of your life is happier than it’s ever been and that everyday you live is a healthy one. Peace”

This is my pretend conversation and it’s allowing me to finally move on and stop blaming myself for not wanting to keep rewarding people who don’t like me by keeping up one end of a relationship.  

If this helps anyone else that will make me happy.