Friday, July 21, 2017

just a little observation of the situation

The US wealth divide has been on my mind for a while now and I've come to a conclusion that is a little (teeny tiny bit) different than what I thought before. I have held the idea for a while that the reason our country has gone the way of dickheads is that the dickheads are too rich to know what it's like to be poor. They think everyone should be able to pay their own doctor bills without insurance. They think everyone should get to the end of their life and not rely on Social Security. They think there is something wrong with people who cannot find a way to be wealthy.

That only explains a part of the equation. The thing I've arrived at lately is that it goes both ways. Poor people do not understand what rich is. I feel like most poor people think that being rich is the guy next door that works for Budweiser, has a nice house and a new boat. I also think the next level up thinks the same way. I would say anyone making less than $200,000.00 has no idea that they don't really have money. I think in the world today that is chicken feed. Unless we've been poor then we don't know poor. If we've never been rich we don't know rich.

It's like when I heard a lottery winner (who won a few hundred million) interviewed on the radio about how he'd spend his winnings. He said he was either going to get a new truck or fix the roof on his house. He said it like he had no idea he could do both. That is the thing I'm talking about here.

So what does this do to the way we see things. Well, for the rich man, he thinks he is carrying everyone on his back. What he never thinks of is, if he actually paid the people who work for him the wage they deserve, he'd not be as rich. He's rich because he hoards the money for himself. And for the poor man and the next level up they get so mad at people on government assistance and they think they are the problem. When the rich man tells them that is the issue they believe it. They think like the rich man. They think they are carrying them on their backs because they do not understand that they are poor too. They don't understand that the rich man is their problem. They don't understand that the rich man looks down on them as the problem as much as they do the folks on assistance. Now everyone is on the same page and no one is mad at the rich man who hides his money overseas to avoid paying taxes. No one is mad at the rich man who doesn't pay his workers a living wage. No one is mad at the rich man who bribes the government to make laws that favor him and his business. No one is mad when the individuals who govern this nation get richer and richer because they have all the insider information and the kickbacks from the wealthy for spinning things their way. 

So let's keep kicking the little guy and elevating the wealthy to the heavens. And let's do it because they told us Jesus said so. Cause that is really all they need do is make us believe they love the Lord more and we'll eat that shit up. Never mind that their actions are the opposite of what Jesus would do. They will continue to drop the bait and we'll keep eating it up. It's like we are zombies. They drop a little Jesus on us and we mindlessly head in their direction. 

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Beautiful Voices Interview

Months and months ago I was featured on the Beautiful Voices blog series at Annmarie Gianni. This is a series they do that features folks who use their products. I haven't shared this on the blog so now I'm finally getting around to it. You can find the interview here. If you do take time to read this I thank you.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

#love #beautiful #happy #life

What a beautiful world we live in. I think about the globe we live on, how many people there are, how each one of us is a unique individual with no copy and it blows my mind. Each one of us was born into this world to be exactly who we are. We are not here to think like anyone else, act like anyone else, have the same talents as everyone else or to make the same mark as everyone else. We get to be us, the only one of our kind. That is what makes living beautiful. We all get to be the captains of our own ships.

Some folks want to captain other people's ships and this is when we get into trouble. If we look deeply at why some people feel like they have the right to captain someone else's ship we can usually trace it back to religion. Almost all religions have components regarding saving others and about questioning faith. These two things alone give people permission to take the text of their faith and cast judgment on others and then never question the text they use to judge others. It is cycle that is ripe for promoting hatred. It is so easy to question someone else's faith but not our own. We believe we are right and so do those who have beliefs that are different from our own. Does being right correlate to where you live and what you believe on the soil you are standing on? Who is right? We are so quick to decide someone else's religion is crazy but then never conclude the same about our own no matter how crazy it is. Everyone thinking everyone else is wrong hasn't help so far.

No one ever lives a perfect life so we will fail when following dogma. That leads to judgment and generally people judge others to keep from looking at their own wrong/guilt. They will also apply weight to the transgressions and then they will weigh the transgressions of others more heavy than their own to make themselves feel better, cause they may be wrong but at least someone is more wrong.

So, we cannot question our faith because if we do that is the greatest transgression. Wow, someone was thinking when they came up with this one. I'm going to take a minute to question faith just so none of you will have to. 

What if we were born into a world where people did not judge others? What if we were taught to love others and honor who they are? What if there weren't archaic laws in existence that govern how we should be? What if we had been taught that people who look different, act different or believe different are perfect just the way they are? What if every person had been taught this? Right now it's kind of the opposite. There are people in the world who would kill to make sure we are not different and that we do things the way they think things should be done. There are people everywhere and in every religion that feel like that. This is a fact that scares us. No matter how much the government tries to force us to believe this should be our greatest worry, the facts do not point there. More now than ever people, who are not of the traditional faith of the United States, are under attack for their faith, not the shoe on the other foot. We need to get that straight. We have been scared into believing that we are under siege when in fact we are killing our own selves. Brown people who happen to be Muslim are not the problem like we think they are. That is just an excuse to go to war at some point in the future to feed the war machine that makes rich men richer. Guns (American guns) are now the 3rd leading cause of death in children and then there is this statistic:

The pressure to fit in and to be seen as a success alone can take a toll.

Number of deaths for leading causes of death:
Heart disease: 614,348
Cancer: 591,699
Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 147,101
Accidents (unintentional injuries): 136,053
Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 133,103
Alzheimer's disease: 93,541
Diabetes: 76,488
Influenza and Pneumonia: 55,227
Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome and nephrosis: 48,146
Intentional self-harm (suicide): 42,773

The leading causes of death are diseases related to stress. Also, in the top 10 is "intentional self-harm." That sometimes comes from societal pressure as well. I know these diseases are also caused by diet but...

"According to the American Psychological Association, chronic stress is linked to the six leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide. And more than 75 percent of all physician office visits are for stress-related ailments and complaints."

We as a whole seem to inflict more unintentional harm on ourselves and each other than almost any other cause of death. People are usually stressed more by not measuring up than any other thing. There is something in our world here in the US that teaches us what the measure of success is and we are crippled by not being able to reach that bar. No one seems to see that these rules are made up and that we can make up our own rules. What others think of us cannot make us anything. We only become that thing if we believe we are that.

We can make up new rules. I know we may think that religion doesn't permit this but even the bible says:

Proverbs 23:7
For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

We need to become proponents of thinking a new way in our hearts so we can be that. We need to love people like they are. When we do we will be able to receive love for being who we are. When we aren't loved like this it because we don't love others like this. The reason we don't love others like this is because we love them at the same level we believe we deserve love. If we can't love we don't think we are loveable.

We have to shift the ugly in this world. Being guided by the ugliness will only create more ugliness. We have some shining and sparkling to do and we have not been doing it.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

so I did that

My horoscope said:

"Venus also happens to be gelling with Pluto, suggesting that deep-seated emotions will intensify a significant bond. Processing private feelings that you find unsettling will empower self-acceptance. Libras often have trouble owning their not-so-pretty emotions such as anger, but in order to love yourself, you must come to terms with the whole truth of what’s inside you."

I think that is certainly true. I never want to be mad. When someone wrongs me I have a tendency to want to forgive them immediately and for sure never hold a grudge. I think that might be making me pissy and of course I don't want to do that either. 

I spent the whole of my ride to work this morning saying into my Instagram stories some things I think but hold back from saying. Well, I say it to the people I'm close to but as far as public, I just let it go. I am a very outspoken person when it comes to the treatment of others but when it's me I'll just get over it. 

This morning I got pissed that no matter what women do in the world they are never treated equal. Men don't get it because they've always had a say. I'm fuckin' tired of seeing women treated like they are less than. I'm fuckin' tired of women being shut down when they try to speak (example: The great "she persisted" Elizabeth Warren & wonderfully"hysterical" Kamala HarrisWe are equal. If you can't see that then you have a complex. It shouldn't hurt your feelings to have to share. That means you are weak. 

I am so lucky to have Bryan because he gets equality in the sweetest of ways. He is so beautiful. 

Then this weekend someone told me that someone I used to date told someone (on facebook) who is a lesbian that she and others like her are going to hell. Come on. This dude is, without a doubt, the worst person I've ever had to share time and air with. He doesn't need to tell anyone anything. Don't you just love people who tell people they are going to hell and do not get what is wrong with that? It totally escapes them. Like I said on Instagram, he probably thinks he won the debate this created. He isn't bright enough to know why he didn't. I could tell you so many stories of how he is the worst person I know but it wouldn't help anything. I already spoke some of it into the air on my stories and in 24 hours it will disappear but I will know that, even if it's gone, I said it. I said it out loud. I owned my anger.

I think I do feel better. 

Thursday, June 15, 2017


If you are here reading this blog do you also follow me on Instagram? Cause if you do and you watch my stories then you've probably heard me say things not fit for work or baby ears. I just want to tell you that this is not likely to change and I'll tell ya why.

Words, freaking words! That is all they are. They are all made up of letters and sounds when spoken and moving those sounds and letters around have no effect on how you perceive them. We all get to make the choice about how we react to words. We have been taught how to react to words but you don't have to follow what you have been taught. If your mama taught you Mickey Mouse was a ugly word you'd react the same way you do when someone says fuck. So really fuck is just like Mickey Mouse in that scenario and that makes it seem silly to react negatively to the word fuck when you hear it. Mickey Mouse doesn't bother you cause no one said that was bad.

Why do I say fuck?

I say fuck because when I choose to use it, it's normally because I'm driving home a point and it is the hammer that sinks it into your brain. Fuck is my hammer and when I use it you can bet I am passionate about what I'm throwin' down.

So there you have it and now for this important message:

Disclaimer: If you watch my instagram stories keep your sound down if you are at work or in a place you don't want people to know you are listening to someone who likes to say fuck cause I'm gonna be sayin' it.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

This is my home studio - Hello Soul

Okay so I lived with my parents. Got married. Had a baby. Got Divorced. Had another baby. Married again 14 years after the first time. I have pretty much been someone's something all my life and because of this I have shared every space I've every been in. If that doesn't afford me a space of my own after 50 years I don't know what does. This is my space and it makes me feel like a tall glass of wine, like sunshine, and a soft little breeze. It's something I highly recommend to all the mama's in the world.

Friday, May 19, 2017

a different fuckery

We have got ourselves into a sad state of affairs. It didn't happen with the current president but he sure has amplified it.

I am a democrat and a liberal and I come at this whole thing from that perspective. So I'll use one of my guys to try to explain.

I remember when Al Gore ran for president the last time in 2000. I listened to him campaign in agony. I knew I was going to vote for him but the way he spoke felt like he was too hyper aware of how he would come off.  Instead of being himself and bringing his real message, you could tell he wanted to be seen a certain way and not piss off the wrong people. Like most politicians today his message was whatever he thought would get him elected. The only bigger letdown I'd met from my chosen party at that time was when Bill Clinton announced he was not a liberal when he obviously was/is. Bill Clinton got a BJ in the White House. Dude was liberal. It killed me when these guys pretended they weren't for marriage equality when we all knew they were. Friggin Obama didn't even get on board with marriage equality until it was more accepted. And yes, I love Obama but the truth is still the truth.

Even though Gore ended up winning the popular vote I could tell he wasn't connecting during the election. So, I emailed his staff to beg them to ask him to talk like a real person. Of course there was more to the email than that. I knew it was a long shot but I was truly worried he was blowing it and I wanted to help.

Cut to 17 years later and nothing has changed unless you count Bernie Sanders. Bernie blows me away. When I heard him speak I knew he didn't need an email from me telling him to be a real person. Hearing him was the first time I felt like I was hearing a politician say what they really felt and not what they thought would get them elected.

It's not the old white man's world anymore where people cannot seem to allow others to be who they are. It ain't gonna work on this new generation. They don't want people who hide behind big money and popular policies. That is why they loved Bernie. Bernie may be a 75 year old, old white man but he's cut from new cloth and we ain't seen this type cloth before.

I have always been a person that tries to do the right thing even if it gets me in hot water. I'm not going to profess to be something I am not and I can't be bought off in any way. There aren't a lot of people like that. Believe me I know and I know people like me when I see one. Most people are afraid to make waves or to not fit in. I don't have those fears. I'm not saying my way is the way to be. There are a lot of ways that being like me can hurt ya. Fitting in can carry you much further. I just don't care to go further if I have to be anything that I'm not.

For whatever reason (cough religion) our country has become a place where people think you should act and live only one way. Even when folks don't live that way they try to make you think they do. They must fit in. Not sure if our current political climate grew out of a country of people afraid of not fitting in or if  a country of whose politicians, play at being what you think they should be, grew the country as it is. Did the people grow US politics or did US politics grow the people. It's the chicken and egg thing. Either way, one of these things is going to have to change. We are going to have to wake up, stop pretending shit and stop being afraid to be real. When one side wakes up it will wake up the other. There should not be one Bernie Sanders in a field of Paul Ryan's.

We live a life to fit in. We expect everyone to live in a way they fit in. I know this is much more complex than I have stated. The possibility of being a person at all and then being the person with our unique traits is so small. So many eggs, so much sperm, so many parents, so many communities, so many countries and for whatever reason, we become a person with no copy out of those gazillion possibilities. No matter how special that makes us in this world, where no one is like us, all we care about is fitting in. We don't think about how we are different and one of a kind. We had rather make sure we are like everyone else. Fitting in becomes our goal. And not just the goal we set for ourselves, we want everyone to fit that same mold. Goodness forbid anyone become the exact person they were born to be.

Forget all the other fuckery in the world. This is the conversation we should be having. 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

fighting the rich man's battle

a pretty picture to go with the ugly truth

We send our boys off to war with a glint in their eye as they walk away to fight for America. They return too often with the fire burnt out and the inability to function again in society. They return and find it necessary to use mind altering means to get through their day. Not all of them are affected the same way but too many of them end up on the street without a home or enough care to give them back even half of what they lost. The glint, gone for good and then they are discarded like all they did meant nothing.

No one ever tells these young men the real reason they are being sent to fight. They just give them a bunch of rah rah America bullshit to get them amped up and that's really all it takes. It's generation after generation of handing down these lies and hardly anyone sees the real truth. Even if you see it it's almost impossible to live with killing innocent people for the lie so you have to push it down and tell yourself you did it for the right reason.

Why do we fight? We fight for the rich man to keep his slaves. We fight for the rich man's oil. We fight for the rich man's land. We fight for the rich man's military industrial complex because without war there'd be no money made by selling the supplies of war. No war/no money in the rich man's pocket. We fight and we fight and we fight for the rich man to stay rich.

Ever wonder how terrorist make money? How do they operate? Kickstarter? Collection plate? Who do ya think pays them?

These terrorist organizations are guns for hire and just like America they find innocent young men and make them believe they are fighting for a cause and they teach them to give up their lives for religion while these people profit off their innocence. And then every once in a while some young man/men will get all gung ho and decided to contribute to the cause by committing an act of terrorism on America soil and of course these organizations can't wait to take credit for the freebee.

Ever wonder if the countries we invade for oil think that we are terrorists? If you don't see us that way it could be because of the xenophobic/ethnocentric lens we use in America to see the rest of the world. America first is our psychological motto even when it doesn't have to be us or them. These people are living, thinking, feeling, breathing beings, as are we.

So terrorism=war machine=money and whether here or abroad, everyone is onboard and more than happy to do their part. Rich man gets richer and all is well and we get to keep waving the flag and telling ourselves that this is what it's all about.

How long are we going to keep falling for this?

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

what makes you a you and not a them

People say things to me like, "I could never get away with that," "I'd never be able to pull that off," & "I wouldn't look like you do if I wore that." Now they might just be trying to nicely say "you look like a fool" but if they do mean that, I am a fool because I don't believe that to be true.

Sometimes I go to an event and almost everyone is wearing pretty much the same thing. They wear what is in style right now or outfits that they see everyone else wearing. The easy thing to do is fit in. I don't want to dress just to fit in. I want to dress in what feels the most like me right down to my very bones. The biggest problem I have with clothing is when I look in the mirror and don't see me. I cannot swing that. I feel like an imposter. I have never put on a big stack of thick beads without looking in the mirror and saying to myself, who are you trying to be? It doesn't feel right. I'm not saying that people do not look amazing when they wear that but to me it does not feel right.

I think that dressing to fit in is just a symptom of  the bigger problems in society right now. We spend so much time trying to fit in that most of us have no clue who we are, what we like, and what is important to us. I remember when I noticed this the first time and how, at the time, I was no different. I modeled my life after the community I grew up in and I dressed and acted that part. By the time I had caught up with what had happened to me I didn't know who I was. I was strictly the product of the village that it took to raise me.

I took great pains to change all this and it started by trying to figure out who I was before the world sunk it's claws into me. I bought an old scrapbook and I filled it with the things that mattered to me. I tried to remember the things I liked as a child and all the things that made me a me and not a them. We are all different and I had to remember what made me different. I wasn't born to walk this world pretending that I'm agreeable and have no opinions or tastes that are not rubber stamped by society. I wanted to be whatever I am that makes me different from any other person on this planet. That took a decade.

During the time I was trying to figure it all out I was dating a person whose sole function in this world is to fit in and make sure no one ever finds out all the terrible things he does. Imagine how unsupportive he was with me when I was trying to be something other than a mold of what everyone expects. Yea, if you imagined no support, you were right. I moved through this time taking two steps forward and being dragged three steps back. I knew what I wanted but he wouldn't let me have it.

When I was finally able to break out of that suffocating relationship I finally found a person that supported me so fully that, had I dreamt of being supported, I would not have been able to fathom it in the way it turned out. Not even in my wildest dreams. I had no model for it in my life. Bryan Boles helped me be more me than I ever knew was possible just by holding my hand and never letting it go. He walked with me every step of the way and never asked me to be different.

I live like I want to live. I believe what I want to believe. I love who I want to love. I dress the way I want to dress. I spend my money the way I want. I say whatever I want to say. I do whatever I want to do.

The last thing on my mind is what anyone thinks about who I am. When you get this strong about who you are nothing anyone says, does or thinks will make a difference. You just shake it all off because you know that there is a little part of them that wishes they could have what you have and they are frightened they will never figure it out. You remind them that they are a shadow of what they could be and you make them worry that they'll always be that.

When someone says, "I could never get away with that" the thing they mean is they could never feel comfortable just being who they are. They are afraid of not fitting in. It does not have anything to do with me. It is a statement about how they feel about themselves. I am just that thing that reminds them. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

this is how you do it/finding love

I've got a tight circle around me but those people in that tiny circle know that one of the best things I've got going for me is mah marriage and mah man. They also know that 20 years ago I didn't intend to marry again. Oh how my family wanted me to find someone but oh how I didn't agree. My grandmother used to repeat the story over and over about how I used to complain about if I found someone they would take over my house. I'd have to share my couch and they might want my spot and I'd have to make space for their clothes in my closet. I meant all that. I had a picture in my head of growing old and gray, living in the country and how I'd be granny to all the children. There was never a grandpa with me in that picture that I had floating in my head. I was tough on marriage in that picture in my head. B can tell you I fought hard to keep my picture untouched but I lost that fight and I'm glad that I did. In this video I wanted to tell you the important parts of how I found love and why it's beautiful even 20 years later. I hear all your stories and I'm here to tell you that we have been sold the wrong story on finding love. I wanted to set the record straight. If after you watch this and you have questions about your own particular situation and how you might apply what I said here, please please please email me. I want you to have what I have and I know I can help.

I realize now that I didn't say much about finding someone if you don't have anyone but I have lots to say about that too. I'll try to touch on that in another video but it's not that complicated. You can do it.

So that's it.


Wednesday, May 3, 2017

mah new thing

So, I say I'll do better. I'll meditate, take time to do deep breathing, walk, & do some yoga everyday. I cannot tell you why (cause I don't know) but I have had zero disciple over the past year to 18 months. The day will come to and end and I will list, in my mind, all the things I should have done, could have done but didn't. Even with the best of intentions I end up forgetting all of it until it's too late and time to go to bed. It occurred to me a while back that I should use this tiny computer we call a phone to prompt me to do better but after a while that just became one more thing I should have done, could have done but didn't, until I did. I started Monday. I am using the app Alarmed and so far it is doing something for me I've not been able to do alone for 18 months. The plan is to stick to using this app until nature takes over and it becomes part of  how I operate. This app is making it so easy I probably won't want to give it up. Here is my schedule:

4:44 AM Read one chapter of a book
5:00 AM Yoga
5:20 AM Meditation
9:00 AM Take five deep breathes
10:00 AM Positive visualization or affirmation
12:30 PM Take five deep breathes
2:00 PM Positive visualization or affirmation
5:20 PM Walk for 20 minutes
5:35 PM Daily questions (see post below)
8:00 PM Meditation
10:00 PM Take five deep breathes

So it's early on (obvi) but I'll get back to ya on how this works. I'm excited to do these things that I should, could and maybe now will. You know the best part so far is that I don't even have to think about it. My phone does all the worrying so I don't have to think about forgetting. I just check it off as I go. LoVeRs forever. I hope. 

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Daily Q's

I'm not sure of the origin of this little practice but I'm pretty sure somehow I go it from Lissa Rankin who I believe to be a gift to this world. This is how it goes. Oh wait. I couldn't resist the draw to go visit Lissa at her site and find her version. The way she wrote about this is way too beautiful not share. You can find it HERE.

So you basically ask yourself these 3 questions and review your day backwards to find the answers, reviewing and answering each, one at a time.
  • What surprised you today? 
  • What touched your heart? 
  • What inspired you?
I do this practice a little different. I prefer to share this with my family and we are just picking it back up. Yesterday was my first day back. B was going to be late getting in so I went for a walk with Sky and we did this together then. Here are my answers:

Surprise - Joe (one of the owners of the company I work for) called me and thanked me for working on a little project that didn't take 30 minutes. Funny thing is he didn't even use my version but he was gracious enough to thank me anyway and to let me know it might look a little different when I got it back. I don't hear from these folks often so this was a sweet surprise. 

Heart - One of the members we care for called in the morning because her worker had not shown up. We apologized that we weren't at our best that day and she said we were the best company she's had. She said our worst was better than all the others best. That almost made me cry.

Inspired - A video I watched on Gaia with Barbara Hand Clow that explained how our species has had numerous periods of metamorphosis and we are currently going through one now and will continue to be over the next 10 years. That is why everything seems so amplified. She explained how in the end we will awaken with a new consciousness. That feels better to think about than thinking we are on a road we can never come back from in this lifetime. 

Give this little exercise a try whether you do it Lissa's way or find your own way. It is good for your head and heart wellbeing. It's my 5:30PM on my list of reminders throughout the day. 😉

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The Soundtrack of Life

A couple of weeks ago we went to the Merle Haggard tribute concert with enough other people to pack Bridgestone Arena. Here is the setlist from the night:

Ben Haggard & the Strangers – "What Am I Gonna Do"
Ben Haggard, Aaron Lewis & the Strangers – "Heaven Was a Drink of Wine"Tanya Tucker & the Strangers – "Farmer's Daughter"Bobby Bare & the Strangers – "The Fugitive"Connie Smith & the Strangers – "That's the Way Love Goes"John Anderson & the Strangers – "Big City"Toby Keith & the Strangers – "Carolyn/Daddy Frank"Jake Owen and Chris Janson – "Footlights"Miranda Lambert – "Misery & Gin"Rodney Crowell – "You Don't Have Very Far to Go"Jamey Johnson – "Kern River"Jamey Johnson and Alison Krauss – "If I Could Only Fly"Alison Krauss – "Sing a Sad Song"Alabama – "Silver Wings"Hank Williams Jr. – "I Think I'll Just Stay Here and Drink"Loretta Lynn – "Today I Started Loving You"Lynyrd Skynyrd – "Honky Tonk Nighttime Man"The Avett Brothers – "Mama Tried"John Mellencamp – "White Line Fever"Kacey Musgraves – "Rainbow Stew"Ronnie Dunn – "It's All in the Movies"Billy Gibbons – "The Bottle Let Me Down"Warren Haynes and Billy Gibbons – "Workin' Man Blues"Dierks Bentley – "If We Make It Through December"Lucinda Williams – "Going Where the Lonely Go"Sheryl Crow – "Natural High"Keith Richards – "Sing Me Back Home"Keith Richards and Willie Nelson – "Reasons to Quit"Willie Nelson and Kenny Chesney – "Pancho and Lefty"Willie Nelson and Toby Keith – "Ramblin' Fever"Willie Nelson and cast – "Okie From Muskogee"

It was mindblowing to see all these artist perform these amazing songs all in one night. It was a real "pinch me I must be dreaming" night. It was just like being present to witness that dash between the birth and death of Merle Haggard. As I sat there watching people perform, who have been performing in Nashville all of my life, so many things ran through my mind. 

I thought about how powerful our pain and sorrows are in that they are truly the stuff songs are made of. It's how writers share their emotions with us and it is how we feel our own emotions less alone because others have set it all to music in a way that helps us get through whatever life throws at us. The emotions of both the writer, the singer and musicians and also that of those listening are like the threads of the fabric that makes up what a life is. 

This show elicited so much emotion that there was almost a fight in our section between two women who wanted to soak up every second of it but who preferred to do it in different ways that did not jibe. One lady was standing, being very loud but completely enjoying the show with no regard to anyone else around her. The other lady (seated) took notice and was deeply offended that the standing lady had caused the people behind her to move and that her loudness was drowning out the other sounds in the area we were in. The seated lady just wanted to hear every sound from the stage without disruption. I kind of see both points. The standing lady was loud but she was at a concert. The seated lady stood to try to find a path to the standing lady after warning her to shut it up or she was coming after her. Someone brought the security before anything happened. During the intermission the seated lady said that the standing lady didn't understand how unusual this experience was and that she was ruining it for everyone. I felt like the only one she ruined it for was the seated lady. I told her, "Your are right. This is a unique experience and that is why you should enjoy it yourself and just ignore that lady." Even from the grave Merle still has the ladies fighting over him.

It does not matter what our stories are or what our beliefs are music has always been something people connect on. The people clapped harder for some performers than I did, while at times I didn't feel some were given their due but it didn't matter. I still felt like we were all on the same page. We were connected by Merle and what his music has meant in our lives and what it will continue to mean to others in the future. This concert was exactly a year after his death and also celebrated his birthday. Even after a year of being gone Merle Haggard still packed the house. 

I also thought about Nashville and how so many talented people are drawn here as if magnetized by those that came before them. Randy Travis, George Strait and Garth Brooks and others like them heard the voice of Merle on their radios and said I want to do that too. 

Thursday, March 23, 2017

In Tune with Mother N

Don't know if you have noticed but the way my mind works is very mechanical? So much so, that many of my post here are about the mechanics of how a thing works. I was built for this shit. I really want to explain this to people who don't operate like that so they will understand us "learn by doing" people. I also hope it will help you folks who are a parent to someone like me. This might get wordy and might be better suited to a vlog but I know you get sick of my long videos too. I'm gonna try to keep it short but I am going back to the beginning.

My family moved to Tennessee from Georgia when I was five. This was at a time when I should have been in kindergarten but with all that was going on and because I was very small my mother did not send me. Everyone in my family worked but my Grandmother and she kept all the children. My grandmother could not read and she was the only person with the time to teach me. Long story short, no one prepared me for 1st grade. I showed up for the first day of 1st grade (still 5 because I have an October birthday) and I did not know the alphabet or how to count. I remember that first day like it was yesterday. All the children seemed to know one another. They were all talking and seemed so comfortable. I could not wrap my 5 year old head around it. In my whole 5 years I could only remember being with just my family. I did not know how to make friends and since I missed any sort of pre-schooling I had not seen a model for it. Imagine being the child who didn't know anyone, didn't know the alphabet or numbers by sight or by name, in a room filled with children that knew all of that. Then imagine what it would be like to spend your first year in school being taught at a level of children that did know the alphabet and numbers when you didn't. Not only did I have to devise a way to keep up with what was being taught in the class I also had to learn what I didn't know up to the level the class was being taught at. They did give me extra help and let me point out, I passed 1st grade despite being so far behind. I don't know if this all created how my mind works or if I was born to it.

In all the years I was in school I scored well above the average on every achievement test I took. I am a kickass testtaker. My children have always been that way too. I never studied but I didn't have to because I could surmise the right answer, I didn't actually have to know it. I even got a private visit by recruiters when I was in high school because of my high ASVAB score. I scored really high on the mechanical portion of the test. There were only a handful of people who had private recruitment meetings. I would like to point out that most of us who had a private meeting with them were girls. Who would think that girls would score higher than boys on this test but they did at my school? Just goes to show society is wrong about the female brain.

I've never figured things out using a training manual. It might as well be written in a language I do not speak. My eyes and hands teach things to my brain as if they are an IV of knowledge fed directly to my brain. Words on a paper do not feed my brain in the same way. If I take something apart and put it back together I will know at the end why and how it works. I could read that in a manual and I still would not know. It just becomes a jumble of words all wadded up in my brain. When I physically do the thing at the end it seems so perfectly natural to me that it feels like the way nature works in the world. It becomes as obvious as 1 + 1 = 2.

I have this theory that people like me, that learn by doing, are in tune with nature. Others are more in tune with mentality. Those of us in tune with the flow of nature pick up on patterns and we don't need storage for this because our way is to know things on the spot with no need for storage. Those in tune with the the brain are more like a steel trap filing cabinet. They can retain things much easier and they call on their filing system to keep them functioning in the world.The nature folks do not know the answers but they figure them out. The mental people don't have to figure out the answers because they know them. We may not figure it out by reading a manual but we will figure it out by what seems natural. We are great at math but not so much at reading.

Math is natural, reading is not. Yep, you read that right. At some point language, letters and words were an invention. Someone made decisions that resulted in that type of communication and an agreement was reached. There was never a day when this all fell from the sky or grew from the ground. It was an invention and then it was what we now all know. It was all man made. How does math differ? You do not need speech or anything man made to do math. Imagine you were part of a tribe before there was language. Imagine somehow your tribe was able to communicate either by acting out or drawing in the sand that you wanted to track a number. Let's say you were going to war with another tribe and you wanted to keep a count of your warriors. You could have each of them to pick up one rock and put it in a pile. You would know even without counting that this is the number of people you are sending out. That is addition. The war is over, you all return and you want to know how many people you lost. You'd have every person returning go back to the rock pile and pick up a rock leaving behind a rock for each of those who did not return. That is subtraction. You could take those same people and teach them to read but you would need the help of manmade things such as the alphabet and language. You can count without saying or knowing a word. You cannot read like that. You have to have a lot of things in your memory to be able to read. That is why people with steel trap file storage work well with manuals. They can call on the things they have stored to help them understand. Us in tune with nature folks don't rely on storage. We rely on figuring it out the moment we need it.  Knowing all of this, think about how hard learning to read was for a child already behind. It was TOUGH.

I see patterns. I get the mechanics of why one thing works another. This is why I write. I want to share what nature teaches me everyday.

Over these last few years of getting to 50 and now being fifty I seem to connect the dots with these patterns more everyday. I can look back at my life and see how everything I enjoy about being who I am came to be. I can also see the same about the things I don't like so well. The dots I connect right now tell me the things I enjoy about who I am and the things I don't like so well are a direct result of each other. The good and bad things are like the heads and tails of my coin. They are all the same coin but different sides. They compliment each other. I realize that good or bad, it's all okay.

I wish I were more social. But if I were more social I would not have time to connect dots or learn from nature. I do it all because I have time because I am not a social person. That is what I mean when I say these things are a direct result of each other. I could not have one without the other.

I have so much more to say about all this but I'll tie it up here and maybe come back another day and open it back up. Thanks for keeping with me if you got this far.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Video Journal for Holotropic Breathwork

This is a long video. Sorry 'bout that but I just wanted to share this story here. I feel like it will resonate with people just like me as well as others that are the opposite. Pull up a very comfortable seat and make sure you have a beverage to keep you hydrated. You'll be in your seat for while.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Oh I'm Over Something But It Ain't "It" As You Say

Say what you will about the way the world is this minute. We are more divided than ever? Say it didn't start with the new president? It certainly didn't start with the last. Tell me a time when people in this country have been treated as equals. TELL ME. If you are going to get pissed at folks marching for equality then I DEMAND you tell me the exact time it became unnecessary. People have been yelling about equality since the dawn of this country and there are still folks who shout foul about it like it ain't a thing. Would these people like it if they were treated like their equality didn't matter?

Do you really believe that all people are equal?

As for the treatment of women, How many times have you turned on the news and watched a rapist get away with rape and blame it on the victim. Even some in the court system do. Always double standards too. When a man has sex with his student he gets moved to another school. When a woman does she goes to prison. As far as pay goes, I don't believe I can do everything a man does but if I do I want to be paid the same. Same job = same wages. If you are not bothered by this then don't be but don't tell me I can't be because it is inconvenient for you.

I saw where a few people posted about how Obama ruined everything by trying to give everyone insurance. Poor you. Your plan went up, I get it. You know why? Because now they have to give insurance to people who are already sick and they wouldn't cover them before. If you are sick then you are someone who needs insurance. Instead of the insurance company's adjusting from the top down they adjusted from the bottom up. Look up their salaries.
Even doctors are divided on the ACA. They see it the same way society does. If they are in it for the money they hate it. If they really want to see people get the care they need they don't want to see it go.

So, what did Obama do for you? He left America better than he found it. Is it perfect? No, but it is better and that is something we probably will not be able to say in 4 years.

Do you want to really know where your money goes? Then you need to know about ALEC. This is not just a Georgia thing. This is an American problem.

I'm going to break that down for you. Corporations pay our government officials to make laws that benefit their profits. Another thing these corporations do is they hide money to avoid paying taxes.

Does that look like poor people are the problem? Looks like it's the wealthy to me. I don't know about you but I believe tax on that amount of money could provide people with healthcare and education. If you pay tax then you should be pissed that the people with the greatest ability to pay tax do not.

Look for yourself and see who ALEC is. They are almost 100% Republican and I'm not saying that Democrats don't take money too, they do. ALEC is made up of  basically all those people that pit us all against one another so they can go make laws that do not benefit the American public, while we are looking the other way and pointing the finger at each other.

I know some of  you vote based on abortion alone. This is another tactic to keep us separate. Roe v. Wade was enacted in 1973. That was 43 years ago. In 43 years the Republican party has had ample time to reverse Roe v.Wade since they have had the majority of justices more times than not. You have got to ask yourself why they campaign on this but then never do anything about it.

This chart shows the make-up of the Supreme Court from 1857 to 2015, color coded for party appointment. Light blue indicates a Justice who was appointed by a Democrat, while light red indicates a Justice who was appointed by a Republican. Years are divided individually, but labeled and color coded with darker shades of blue and red for the party in the White House.  
Honestly, who do you think is getting all these abortions. It's not a liberal thing. If it were you wouldn't be complaining that your tax dollar goes to pay for people who keep having babies on welfare. I know at least 3 women who have had abortions and all of them profess some belief in God. Yes, Christians get abortions. Yes, no one is fooled. Many of them are more scared about what people will think of them having a baby out of wedlock than care about their pro-life beliefs. That goes out the window when shame is involved.
Guns!! A lot of you vote based on what the NRA tells you.  8 years of Obama and you still have them. He never even mentioned taking them away.
There is one thing proven after every election. The things they say will change never change. The promises they make, they never keep. We all need to stop believing these people have our best interest at heart.They only care about their own pockets.
I don't think anyone can possibly say that they see nothing to worry about with this next administration. There are too many questions unanswered. When people marched Saturday that is what they were saying for you even if you want to lie to yourself. You may not think this affects you or that it matters but don't get pissed over people trying to do something about it because they do believe it matters.
I started this blog to bring a little peace to the world but only now I'm no longer asking nicely for it I'm screaming for it. You haven't heard me before when I asked nice SO HEAR ME FREAKIN' ROAR.

So, this is where this administration has brought us in JUST 3 DAYS as compiled by THE SKIMM who takes money from Fox/Rupert Murdock:


On Friday, Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. On Saturday, women around the world turned out to protest.


Millions of people showed up in hundreds of cities and on every continent. They were there to defend women’s rights, immigrant rights, and LGBTQ rights, to name a few - things they see as threatened under Trump’s presidency. The protests were the largest inauguration-related demonstrations in US history. At first, Trump didn’t seem too pleased, but he later said “peaceful protests are a hallmark of our democracy.”


While this was going on, Trump took a trip to CIA HQ. The mission: hit ‘reset’ on his rocky relationship with US intelligence agencies. Trump told the CIA he has their back “1,000%.” He also falsely blamed “dishonest” journalists for making up his feud with the intelligence community. And talked about the size of the crowd at his inauguration. He did this while standing in front of the CIA’s memorial to fallen officers that the agency considers sacred. This rubbed some, including the former CIA director, the wrong way.


Not quite. On Saturday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer took the podium for the first time. He falsely claimed that the turnout at Trump’s inauguration was the “largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.” Later, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway explained that Spicer’s comment was based on “alternative facts.” These were some of Spicer’s first official remarks to reporters, and they were incorrect.


Trump’s first day in office was marked by unprecedented global protests. And he and his team spent the time blaming the media for bad coverage. Not a great way to start.

Every ounce of this can easily be verified and all of this, my friend, is why people have to be diligent. They have laid the gauntlet. If you are not for them, then they are against you. You need to be afraid of that. That is not how a democracy works.

I know so many strong women who take what they have for granted. If no one had ever marched you wouldn't be able to count on so many things you have now. One is your voice. Another is your right to vote. You also have equal say in what happens in your house. Look at the way this man talks and tell me that he wants you to keep that.
If someone has made you think feminism is a bad word, they've got you right where they want you.

That song is how millions of us (both male and female) feel living in America right now and we have the right to not get over it. Cause this:

Friday, January 13, 2017

You Be You

It's been a while since I post a video. Here is a tiny bit of advice about being yourself.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

make me love you. i dare you.

I just wanted to write a little note to the next president and put it out into the world for anyone to read who might want to.

I know that when you look at that map that lit up red for you on November 8th it made you feel loved. It made you feel like people preferred you over Hillary Clinton. It doesn't mean that. Please do not be confused by the red color of a state on the map. Just because the state was red on the map, that does not mean that no one voted blue in that state. Those blue votes in the red states are part of the popular vote that spanned however dense or sparse across the country. There are only a few blue spots on the Tennessee map, mind you, but I know numerous people who chose Hillary right here where it lit up red. There just wasn't enough of those blue votes to stop that red stamp.

So let's break that down.
  • 2.8 million more people who voted chose Hillary over you
  • The current US population is roughly 325,327,515 (a good portion of these people are not eligible to vote (not all people counted in the population are old enough to vote 24.0% of them are under 18 (78,078,603)))
  • Hillary got 65,844,954
  • You got 62,979,879
  • This brings the number of people who voted to 128,824,833
  • That leaves 118,424,079 people who didn't vote 
Here is the math:
population        325,327,515
underage          78,078,603
greatest # "possibly" eligible        247,248,912
voted        128,824,833
difference        118,424,079

So, 62,979,879 people voted for you. That leaves 184,269,033 people who did or could potentially in the future (if they ever decide that voting makes a difference) prefer someone other than you. Not to mention that the people who voted for you based on promises you made could change their minds too. You have the potential to be the most hated man in America if you are not already.

Do you know how you might gain the love of the American people? You could try to out Obama, Obama. He already has a great approval rating. Had it not been for ALEC and the Republican party blocking President Obama in every way, no one would be able to out Obama him. People who do not educate themselves on what is going on in this world were told he was taking their guns and let's also not forget that some of those people thought he was either Muslim or the antichrist. If not for all that people would have cleared the pathway to heaven for him. One big difference in you and Obama is that he would love it if you out Obama-ed him. He wants all of America to succeed.

You could also try to out Bernie, Bernie. You already know that most informed people prefer Bernie over you. They also prefer Obama over you. Do you only want the folks who fall for anything or would prefer that more people in the United States approve of you than HATE you? Even the people who normally do not use hate speech are speaking that way about you. The bleeding hearts are hardening.

You could try to out Bush, Bush but most people wouldn't give you love for that. People have only tried to forget the problems his being president brought. Well, come to think of it though, people have begun to prefer George W over you. You are the one person that has made people feel like they'd love to bring him out of his art studio for another spin.

Oh, you could follow along with your billionaire club like it appears you will do. And you could follow along with your Republican party by gutting every system set up to help people in need. And with them you could continue funneling up money to the already wealthy while making the little people think that welfare is a bigger issue. They will fall for it. They always do. You can do all of that and you will never win the respect and love of the American people. Bernie is a perfect example of winning the love and respect of the American people. Bernie is the only presidential candidate to  finally tell people the real truth and he is loved for it. He has rockstar status.

I know it is hard for you to empathize with people you have never had anything in common with. It is probably hard to understand what it is like when the world does not bend to kiss your feet and polish your spoon. There is so much strength in not needing that and so much weakness in needing it. That is another thing you probably are blind to. If you ever truly had to need for something necessary to survive you would be a different person. All of this is sad for you really.

Looking back over all the presidencies during my life I cannot remember a time when the American public seemed to already be preparing themselves for a president that they feel might cause irreparable harm to this country even before you take oath. That is how most of us feel. The ones still unafraid are also uninformed just like the miners you promised jobs you know you will never be able to produce. We know it will not happen and we know why but they believe in you.

You will not find your presidency to be like your rallies. The people in your rallies came because they all love you. I know there were a few that made it in that did not love you but of course you had them thrown out. The difference in being president and rallying to be president is that we will all be showing up and you cannot throw us all out.

You have a choice. Be the man that most people need and make people love you or maybe next year you can wish a Happy New Year to even more enemies. It's your ball.
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