Waking Up - Part II

I'm going to spew all of the bad things as simply as I can and then I'll get to the rest.

• I had a parent that removed himself from my life when I was 9 and did not come back around until I was 17.
• I had a stepfather whose favorite game was to make me feel as small as he possibly could.
• I was picked on by other girls in high school because I was an outsider.
• I was abused by my first husband.
• I had my second son while single, with a man that has had nothing to do with him his whole 25 years.
• I was a single mother raising 2 boys for 14 years.
• The only female friends I had while my children were growing up were my sister and anyone she brought with her into my life. 
• It was always easier for me to make friends with men than women. 
• I dated a man for almost 7 years whose family did not like me because I had been married before and had a child out of wedlock.
• I went to his church for that full time with some of the people there telling him that if he married me he "would go to hell," (a direct quote).

Those are the building blocks that built my wall. I took no handouts or help through any of those damn bullets you see up there accept that Bryan came into my life during that 14 years of being single. I am not giving this information out to have anyone feel bad for me. It's basically an outline of how and why I built the wall. I know along with the people mentioned up there in those bullets, I too played my part and I'm not excusing that. 

I lost almost everything inside of me that makes me female. Even my closet is half filled with men's clothing that I prefer to wear over women's. 

I studied hard to make myself better, knowing I could  and would overcome anything but I've never really let go of any of those bullets up there even if I told you that I did. I've been riddled with bullets for a very long time...