I'm gonna reveal some truth that might not shock the people who know me. It might, however, shock those who only know me through my years of blogging. So here goes.
As a friend I cannot be trusted to follow through on finalizing plans. You see the man in this old photo with me. He is my event planner/calendar. Without him I'd never finalize anything. I'm not going to excuse this not so good side of who I am but I would like to explain how I got so terrible at this. I'm hoping that by opening up I might finally shift this bad energy.
Let me start with a day in my life at the age of nine. I sat on my porch for most of the day with a suitcase beside me waiting on my father to come pick me up so that I could stay half my summer vacation with him. He never showed up and wouldn't even speak to me on the phone again until I was 17.
Summer of my Junior year was spent with my friends avoiding me. Finally MaryAnn was nice enough to tell me that my friends didn't want anything to do with me because all I talked about were the random guys I went on dates with on the weekend, They said that they were sick of hearing about it. To me I was only doing what they did, which was to talk about what I did on my weekend. I didn't know that the fact that most of my friends were hanging out together instead of being on a date would be a sore spot. I wasn't that good with girls because I grew up with boys in a family that never socialized outside of our extended family. In fact, that was another thing people always said about me, that all I talked about was my family.
I cannot count the number of times that I've made plans with my mother that she canceled moments before we were suppose to go somewhere. I don't know the number but it's something like everytime.
There's more but I'll stop. My life has been a series of people canceling on me, not showing up or avoiding me and it taught me to expect it. I know people in the world have real problems and that this doesn't really count as a real problem but I want to be better and I think it starts with excavation and admission. I know that the energy I carry is energy that says I don't want to be around you or that I don't care for you and that would push anyone away. Almost everyone I've ever been friends with has at some point told me that they thought I was snobby when they first met me. I'm not a snob but I am seriously cautious. The bad energy I carry from past hurts leads me to always find what I fear the most. It's just always seemed like that the evidence was always there that I should expect disappointment in my relationships. It's no one's fault. No one planned to teach me to feel like I wasn't wanted. In most of my relationships today I'm not feeling unwanted but I'm finding out that the residual energy of all of this is with me and until I release it, I'll continue to carry it. If I continue to carry it that will be the energy you feel when you are around me. I don't want that. I want energy that feels like fresh air.
If I've not followed through on plans with you or I've seemed to try to avoid making plans it has nothing to do with you. If we've tried to make plans you can bet that I probably do care about you even though it might not seem like it. My go to reaction is to just expected you didn't really want me to follow through or that you would cancel in the end.
It's all out there now and you know the truth.
Today, I wish to release this energy of pushing people away and my fear of being abandoned. Please usher in a new day free of this bad energy and fear. I release you and going forward let me only think from love.