Sunday, November 9, 2014

girl loss

I spoke previously about how I keep running into things that make me want to recreate myself. Here's where I share a little about that voyage.

I know a person has to grow up and become an adult but with that I lost my girlishness. I got too serious. You know me I never stop playing and adventuring but I did stop identifying with much of what makes me female. I stopped being gushy and cuddly if I ever was. I stopped being silly and fickle. I wanted so much to be strong that I forgot how to be soft. I know there are people out there that would love to find a way to be strong and if that is your path I'm totally in support but I've been there and now I want to try something different. This is what I am working really hard on at the moment. I'm gonna get my girly back.

I had a stepfather that really did not like me. I think the year I was 10 he spanked me almost daily. I literally would wonder what reason he'd find to spank me before I went to bed each night. He would spank me and then afterwards try to get me to admit to doing whatever he was spanking me for. I was a really good child and was so afraid of not being as perfect as I could be so I never did anything bad. I can promise you that. I was stubborn though. So, he'd spank me, ask me if I did whatever, I'd say no and then he'd spank me again until about 3 rounds when my mother would finally stop him. I'd pin my shoulders back and walk away proud that he could not break me.

I became a mother at 20 and mother of two at 23. Five months after giving birth to Lance, my first child, my marriage was over and I became a single parent. I continued to be a single parent for 14 years. The whole weight of parenting these two boys was completely on my very young shoulders. I learned quickly to square those shoulders back and to work hard to bear the load no matter how heavy it got. I truly did it alone. There was no one there to make a single decision. I made them all. ALL. When people tried to help me by offering to carry one of the children or maybe even just a bag, I'd stand up straighter, tell them "No, I've got it" and walk even further out front so they could see me proudly taking care of things alone.

I met a man that I dated for 7 of those 14 years. His family tried hard to crush me under their feet and he allowed them to do it. I firmly got the message that I was unworthy. They showed me in every way that I was a dirty, pathetic, unwed mother who god would never love unless I could perform magic and make myself undivorced and unmother of a child born out of wedlock. I learned not to need their approval so that they could not break me. I told myself that if they had liked me then the kind of person I was might be in question. I didn't want to be the type of person they approved of. I pinned back my shoulders and took the weight of their hate.

It's hard to be gushy and cuddly when you have shoulders that have been pinned back for so long. I have worn strength as a badge of honor. I have mocked people who show weakness because they couldn't be strong like me. Now all I want is to be like them. I am girl, hear me trying to just purr instead of  roar. I can do this.

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