Tuesday, January 5, 2016

calling Mindy Kaling and everyone else waiting by the phone

Over much time I've heard lots and lots of stories from people who don't date a lot and who feel like they may end up alone. The stories are usually similar. One thing I've noticed is that most of the stories are told from a singular perspective. The theme is that I liked them, thought they liked me but then they never called me. They say this like they are the person who waits and the other person is the person of power. Mindy Kaling told a story like this in her latest book, "Why Not Me?". After hearing her telling through audio book I decided that I wanted to write about this. Through the whole story she told I sat in my car cheering for her to make a move with the guy and other than a little flirting, she really never did. If you are waiting on the other person to make a move, is there a reason why they wouldn't do the same? Maybe they are just waiting for that sign that they have a chance with you and if that's the case, we've got two scared people going nowhere. Someone's got to make a move and not be a chickenshit.

I've dated a lot in my time and I feel like I have some perspective to offer. I'm not an expert on many things but I think I have this one. If Mindy Kaling ever teaches a class on the best route to getting to work at a job that feels made especially for you, I'll take her advice. But she and others like her need to hear me good on this.

So, I know you've been acquainted with folks who seem like people just always gravitate to them. They are never without a date. When they do date, they are never the one who walks away brokenhearted. They seem to be able to pick and choose their serious relationships like new shoes. What makes one person this way and another the one always sitting by a phone? The answer is, they don't think they have to sit by the phone. They don't give away their power. They make things happen. That is the difference. 

This is something that cannot be taught. I wish it could because I'd teach the shit out of that bitch. If I told you how to do it, you could physically go through the motions but then you'd still end up waiting by the phone because what I'm taking about is not action you can put into motion. It is all about attitude. You either have the attitude, find the attitude or someday grow into the attitude. Or maybe you end up in a relationship that you settle for out of fear it'll be your only offer.

What is the attitude? It is the thought that you cannot fail, that you are worthy, that you are loveable, and that there is not a chance in hell that you can be resisted. People who feel this way are not sitting by a phone. 

Think about the people in your life that you have been attracted to and then think about why you were attracted to them. I'd say without fail that it's their attitude. We are generally attracted to confidence. We stay in relationships longer with people who do not need to be boosted up constantly. It just feels better when we are with people who seem like the perfect ingredient to our already happy lives. If they become the main course and your life then becomes about making sure they are always the center of your world, you will soon begin to regret every ounce of labor involved in keeping them happy. You will start to feel like your life was easier without them. On the flip side of this, if you are with a person that feels whole and allows you that feeling in yourself, you will want to be with them constantly. 

The person with the attitude I'm talking about is not thinking, "do they like me" when they meet a new person. They already know the person likes them. They cannot fathom a world where the person wouldn't like them. When they go home that night they aren't wondering when the person is going to call. They don't care if they call or not. They know that if they don't it's no sweat off their brow cause there's always more fish. They will either make that first call or go on with their life and when they get that call they will not be worried about if they say the right thing. They'll just talk to this person like they would any other person on the street or like any other friend they have. They are not thinking about how they can manipulate the situation to manufacturer what they desire. They let the cards fall into place and they end up liking the hand they are dealt or discarding the whole thing. In other words their focus is more on if they like this person rather than if this person is going to like them. 

What this whole thing boils down to is this. Some people go through life afraid and they play the games they've been taught to manipulate people into staying with them, Other people realize that when they are in a relationship they will be happier if their are no games, they can be themselves and allow others the same courtesy. They aren't worried about who calls who. They aren't worried about how they'll be perceived because they recognize that if they cannot be their full self then this is a relationship they'd rather not be in. No games. Absolutely no games. 

The biggest piece of advice I could give someone in a relationship that has stalled out and who is scared of losing someone they are with, is to move forward. Don't sit still waiting. Go live your life like that person is not part of it. But...if you do this as a game move it will backfire. You have to know that your life is better lived not waiting on someone else to decide your fate. Don't be that person who waits by the phone. If you do this just once, you will see the power in it. Even if your heart is not in it you will see results. When you see that your life will go on one way or the other, this person may finally see you live in confidence and they will wake to your beauty. When you live in confidence you might look back and not even want this person anymore. Once up and out you need to maintain your positive attitude with your head held high and you won't ever go back and sit by the phone again. Whoever told you to be the waiting person instead of a person others wait on was wrong. What we really want is two people where no one has to wait and who know that one of them is just as important as the other. Equals who get each other and love each other for exactly who they are. 

You will find that the person you've always been looking for is YOU. When you find YOU, you will find a person to be with who loves the YOU that you finally found. 

Now go live and stop looking at your damn phone.
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