she loved cigarettes and misery

For a reason I will never understand, there are people in the world that only find happiness in being miserable. They blame it on life and circumstance. They don't understand that we are as happy as we make up our minds to be. There are many people in the world living in the most dire of circumstances that find a way to be happy. Survivors of the Holocaust found a way to find happiness in their remaining years. Yet there are people living normal/average lives that will always be miserable. These people often count themselves a victim when their life has been no harder than the average person living. We've all been through similar incidents but some of us pick ourselves up and move forward, never letting tough times define who we are.

A common trait among these people is that they are generally selfish. They will never put another living soul before them and they want to be the sole object of your pity. They feel no love that comes without a "poor poor pitiful" in front of it.

I am going to weave a little tale here of a perfect example of what I'm talking about and if you see a little of yourself in it, wake up now. It doesn't end well.

She loved cigarettes and misery more than she loved her people.

The lady never married well. She always found the one man who'd never be what she needed and then she'd blame them their whole life for it. If she'd married the right man then how could she stay the victim. So, she married 3 of them and was miserable with all three and the only common denominator in these relationships was her.

She told her parents that she'd never be happy until her older 3 kids where out of her house. On her daughter's 47 birthday she told her she'd never been happy since she graduated high school. So was it her children that made her miserable? Obviously getting them out of the house didn't make her happy. Maybe she just need them all to die so that she wouldn't be reminded that she had no love to give. She was home every night and put diner on the table for her family. That was her claim to showing love but it certainly was never spoken. Those were the only real times she showed up for them but it was also a way to show how miserable her life was. "All I ever did was work, cook and take care of my family." No one wanted her to be unhappy. Her family would have loved to see her happy and healthy. If they could have forced her to have lived a happier life they would have. It just doesn't work that way. So, they just watched it all play out, never commenting, like it was a huge family secret.

Her parents loved her dearly but would never take her side in this misery. They'd tell you all the stories of how she manipulated her way in the world and about how selfish she was. They knew.

She was always sick. It was her badge of honor. If you had given her the key that would unlock perfect health and happiness she would not have used it. You'd probably find it in the bottom of an old purse she had also forgotten. If you ever asked her, "did you ever use that key?" she'd have told you. "no, but I'm going to." That is what she always said when you offered her any hope for wellness.

The happiest I ever saw her was when the doctor said, "you have cancer." She turned with wonder and amazement and said, "see, I told you I was sick."  

I'd see her from time to time comparing her ailments to that of her peers. She always won. Of course she did. There is no way she'd ever admit that someone else might be sicker.

Her third husband died of lung cancer. At one point he stopped smoking when he still held out hope that he might get better. She never quit. She never even tried stepping outside to smoke to make his quitting easier. She just smoked and blew it in his face until he started smoking again.

Her mother had Congestive Heart Failure and it became the reason why she died. She was in and out of the hospital the last year of her life with it. She had a clean, smoke-free home to live in but this lady wouldn't stay there with her because she could not smoke there. So, she took her home with her and blew smoke into her face until she died.

Now she finds herself at the end of her life and the one thing she grips tightly to is cigarettes. Not her family, her sons, her daughters but cigarettes. She has one daughter who has chosen breath over her mothers misery and cigarettes. This daughter has to spend her days feeling like an asshole over this choice while her brothers and sister work hard to make sure this lady is cared for.  She will blow the smoke right into their faces without any care for their health.

At some point they may all walk away if they finally get enough and she will be left with the 2 things she has always loved the most, cigarettes and misery. And with that she might die a happy woman because cigarettes and misery have always been what comforted her.