Tuesday, June 30, 2015

walking the path that leads to purpose

If you are awake to the beauty of life you can see when the feeling of all is lost, turned into one of the best things that ever happened to you. It's so easy to look back on your past and think about all of the terrible things that happen to one over the course of a lifetime. It's easy to dwell there as well. If you are really honest with yourself and truly want to see how you've been blessed look back at those times and try to see what beauty came from it.

Every partner I've had in life helped me see how beautiful Bryan was from the second I met him. Every job I ever lost led me to a better one down the road.

My first marriage and a long running relationship I was in before meeting Bryan were both so intense that I knew I'd never marry again unless I felt like the person loved me for me, didn't want to change me and didn't want to argue. The bad stuff from before taught me to see the real beauty when it came my way. Being single for a really long time put me in the exact timeframe to be open to this relationship when it presented itself.

I left working for my grandfather to work at Wilson Sporting Goods. This was the first place that made me feel like the sky was the limit. When that job ended because of downsizing, I started to work at Berkline where I met Bryan. If I had not been forced to leave a company I loved working for, I wouldn't be with Bryan now.

I left Berkline and working at an after-school program part-time to go to work doing the accounting for Cotton Eyed Joes. In a thousand years I'd never have wanted that job but it wasn't really a choice. The job came up in casual conversation and it was much more money that I was currently making and I was barely getting by. I took it with much reluctance. I made several friends there and I didn't really have a lot of work to do and they didn't mind what I did in my spare time. I exercised, read, learned a lot and took a lot of that extra time to write the book I self-published in 2001. I ended up leaving this job when my breathing became a problem from the smoke leftover in the day from the night before. As hard as it was to take this job it was even harder to walk away.

The next job was selling mobile homes and that was never going to work because as hard as I might have tried I'd never have lied to someone to get them to buy a house. Let me tell you that all mobile home salesmen lie and you cannot sell to someone telling the true price when everyone else is lying about it. I left this job to keep the manager there from losing his. They tried to teach us a sells tactic that involved manipulating the truth and when the regional manager asked if everyone was using this method the manager would tell him we were, knowing I wasn't. The the regional manager would asked us all to tell a story of when we used it and how it worked. I was always honest and told him that I didn't agree. I knew over time the manager would be in trouble for trying to cover for me so I told him I had to leave because I knew I'd never be on board and I'd never lie about it.

Something similar happened at my next job. The management was probably the worst I'd ever encountered and knew I wouldn't be there long. No one ever talked down to me but I witnessed the mistreatment of women by men and I am not one to walk away silent. After I wrote a letter about what I'd witnessed at our corporate office to the Drs in the office I was at, I left and never looked back.

The next job I had was were I met most of the women in my life that are dearest to me. I was treated very poorly in this job but I loved it and I stayed 5 years. When it came to an end I knew I had to stand my ground and I knew that from prior experience that if I did it would work out for me. There's no right way to do a wrong thing. When I left those doors I didn't look back, I didn't wallow or hold a grudge. I just moved forward.

The last job I had prepared me for the job I have now. Without what I went through there I'd never be were I am now. I love this company, I love the people and I love being able to travel and visit with so many sweet people. My days on the road are some of the best days I've had at any job.

I know that my life has been made of a lot of moments I had to push through to find the beauty and I know that will not end as long as I am alive. I welcome those ugly moments arms open wide for it is those moments that always lead me to the most beauty. I know that if you look back at your own life and if you trusted that everything always works out for the best, then you can see similar patterns where good triumphed from bad. Life is a beautiful thing. 

Monday, June 29, 2015

washed in madness

Facebook feeds are flooded in rebel flags unless, like me, you have been using the unfollow button to edit how much of this hate you see in your feed. I refuse to let it make me sad even when family members I love participate in the crazy.

It's hard for me to understand how after 6 more black churches have burned in the South, since talk began of taking down the flag from the capital in South Carolina, that rebel flag wavers still claim it's not about hate. If you are one of those people who think it's not about hate and you truly mean it, why wouldn't you want to distance yourself from this kind of behavior by letting off of your "it's heritage not hate" throttle just a smidge? People see you in the same light as those burning churches. There is no way to separate. Burning the church of people you don't agree with is terrorism. That's what we'd call it if our enemy did it to us. So let's call it what it is.

I know that you think that this is about your heritage but read for yourself what that heritage is. You don't have to even use the link I provided, just research for yourself. The results are over a million. Let the Confederates tell you what fighting this war meant with their words instead of what you think it was about. You weren't there, they were.

I know now you are thinking about all the things you can find all over the internet that will prove your own point because I'd do the same if the shoe was on the other foot but just think about this for a minute. You were never a slave. Your ancestors were never slaves. We don't know what this is like. We don't know what it is like coming from that background and being taught by people who were taught by people who had been owned, beaten and forced to work without a wage. To have nothing and to be nothing is a big hole to dig out of. Unless you are a very strong person mentally it could take generations to be able to hold your head up. So when people descended from slaves tell you that they'd rather not have the flag of the army that fought to keep their people enslaved waved in their face, I think we should listen up. If a person tells you that your actions feel hurtful why would you want to persist? If you were descended from slaves you probably wouldn't want a flag hanging in or over your government's buildings that represented those who fought to keep your family members enslaved, would you?

Think about what you have at stake in persisting with this war to wave your flag. What deep down are you fighting for? Is it freedom to wave around a piece of fabric? That seems like whole lot of nothing if you consider how it makes people feel that will be forever affected by it. Let's put it to the scales. Wave fabric that has no meaning unless you give it meaning/make people feel hated and unwanted. I know which side of that weighs more. I hope you do too. You cannot just say you are not a racist, anyone can do that. Your actions should show it. Treat people as your equal.

If you think this is about heritage think about what that heritage is. Not all history is worthy of braggadocio.

So now that I've said all that, I still say that I refuse to be sad. I know that the more you wave your flag and the more property you burn, then the more people will finally find a voice to rise up and say no more. That is the fire you are really fueling. Love will always conquer hate and fear and you will end up losing this war for a second time. 

Friday, June 26, 2015

we are celebrating tonight


If you've followed my blogging since my first blog then you know how important today is to me. Not only did the Supreme Court rule in favor of same sex marriage but my baby son performed the first gay marriage in our tiny hometown of Livingston Tennessee. It would be hard to be happier than I am right now. 

Thursday, June 25, 2015

3 reasons

I have more crystals and stones around my house than I'd care to count. I carry a fluorite in my pocket most days and when I do, it might be in my mind, but those days are usually good ones.

So there are 3 reasons I will indulge the part of me that wants to believe in crystal magic that science sees as woo woo. Let me tell you about these.
  1. A child needs no reason to believe in anything. I love that. Don't mind me if I incorporate a little of that in to my own world. It will not hurt a thing to do that. Anytime I make up my mind to live a little more like the innocents of this earth it's always fun and makes my life happier. Why would I push against that?
  2. John of God is a healer who sits atop a huge crystal concentration in Brazil. People who have been to see him report a feeling of peace and love around the grounds as well as finding physical and spiritual healing by only his presence or by sitting in one of the current rooms in meditation. He also does hands on healing but I find it very appealing that the place itself holds some form of healing. 
  3. The earth was made to sustain us. It provides us with food, water, shelter, medicinal herbs, sunlight & oxygen. If it's soil can grow food and it's trees provide us with oxygen that we are unable to see, then is there a reason that it cannot form crystals and minerals that can both help with healing and peace? You may have to go back to bullet 1 on this and employee a little innocent belief but again, what would that hurt?
I'd almost say there is a number 4 but it's just really goes back to bullet 1. It's fun to make believe and see as a child. Sometimes believing is all you need.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

good afternoon

I hope that the folks who come here to read what I write never feel like I don't go through things from time to time. Even the most awakened people go through mental anguish at times. I'm bringing this up because I just had one of those times.

I could feel the energy of it bearing down on me a few days before it completely got here. My attention had been drawn in directions that I could tell was leading me some place that I'd have to learn a lesson from or stall out in moving forward in the process of gradual awakening.

Earlier in the week I was listening to an audio book as I drove between offices. In this book the author/narrator said that the need to always feel strong and in charge was not a good thing. That this could be something that could hamper your spiritual growth. I listened to those words and I knew this message was for me but I could not see a way that I could change this thing in me that has been here so long I don't know who I am without it. I do not let people support me. My grandfather was the only person I ever let my guard down with and that was because I was a chip off of his ol' block. We both can shoulder other's burdens like no two people you've ever seen. When he left I think I took it all on. I felt like I had to make sure my mother had what she needed. I gave her a car, I've helped her when she had no money, I've tried to help her see how to be happy even though she told me that she had not been happy since she left high school. I have to keep myself at arms length with her just so she doesn't zap all of my energy by making me feel like I'm her parent and not her child. I shouldn't be made to feel that way by a woman who never wanted me to start with.

I raised my two boys with practically no help from their fathers. I made every decision about their life until they were old enough to be on their own. I still try to help my children when they get into a jam. B helps with this too. I'm not alone in that.

When I was in my early 20's I was living in Georgia and I nearly had a nervous breakdown because I didn't know who would look after my sister, who is 8 years younger, if I wasn't here to do it. I ended up leaving a relationship behind that was very important to me to come home and make sure she was okay when my mother was going through a breakdown after finding out my stepfather had been cheating on her for 10 years with the same woman.

My life has not been hard when you compare it to the things that are going on in the world but for some reason, without anyone asking me to, I've carried the hardships of my family on my back like Atlas. When Dr Barrett could not relieve the tension in my neck, back and shoulders during my chiropractic visits he asked me if I was under stress. For the life of me I could not think of a thing about my life that is stressful. I even told him how I try to manage tension with meditation. With all he was doing for me and with my own efforts it seemed like I wasn't getting better. I'd leave his office with a tighter back than I came in with. He gave me suggestions of natural medicinal type things he thought might help. I tried them and after a week I was feeling better.

I think that when that tension started to be released it opened up a window to my soul and to the other things I needed to release. It didn't happen in a way that just calmly shifted. I had to fall into the muck to make it happen.

We kayaked this weekend and my people were messing with me in the way they always do but this time it struck a bad cord. When I heard B, who is never anything but loving, say "She can't take a joke." I felt crushed. When it happened we were looking for a place to beach ourselves to have a fire and I knew I couldn't sit with them. I've always ran from feeling hurt. If I feel backed into a corner I will immediately feel the need to leave like your knee's reflex. All I wanted to do was leave. So, I rowed to the boat ramp without saying a word.

I spent the next 12ish hours hardly speaking to a man I never have a cross word with. I knew that my out of control reaction to such a small slight meant a tender part of me had been drawn to the surface. I sat in my room crying for 1/3 of the next day. I asked my soul what was driving this and searched myself for ways in my past that I'd been made to feel like that tiny moment on the lake had made me feel.

Before we kayaked Saturday night I watched a documentary and a movie. The documentary was about a man whose manly father made him feel small. I felt more compassion for how it made the father feel than I did for the man who didn't feel masculine enough. In the movie I watched a couple's relationship story. I watched how the man would rap this lady in such a strong embrace that I knew must have left her to feel so safe and supported. I thought if I had someone to do that for me then I wouldn't feel like I'm the dome that shelters my family all of the time. Maybe I'd feel like I had my own dome that could shelter me.

I laid in my bed and I thought on all of this. I thought about the book that told me I needed to let down my need to be strong. I thought about my back and neck that the best chiropractor in the state couldn't help. I thought about how alone I felt when granddaddy wasn't here anymore to make me feel supported. I thought about how he was the only one who ever made me feel safe. I thought about how it might hurt B if I said any of this. And then I thought about how he might have just been waiting the whole time he's known for me to finally drop my fists.

So, today they are down, I don't know how things will transpire going forward. I don't know if I can live my life without feeling like I'm holding the world up to make my family feel safe but I'm hoping that this lesson is on the books and it will stay that way. I don't want Granddaddy's legacy of shouldering the stress of the world. It's probably what killed him in the long run. 

dale hollow lake

 
Another day, another kayak trip but this time on the lake. This maybe my new favorite way to hang at the lake. We made it off the water just in time for a rain shower. 

Saturday, June 13, 2015

the creeper trail












You must ride this trail. It'll make you so happy about life you'll want to french kiss yourself if you can find a way. This is my all time favorite thing to do. If I could I'd ride that 17 miles everyday.

Friday, June 12, 2015

the beach

Here are a few photos from our recent beach trip. It was in the top 2 of my favorite beach trips. It's the only time I've been to the beach and wasn't ready to come home. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

awesome free stuff on the interwebs


I love blogs. Love love LoVe blogs. So many of the blogs I read give away free educational & guidance material for subscribing to their email updates. I got to thinking about all the wonderful gifts I've received from signing up/or subscribing to blogs and I just wanted to share a few of my favorites.

The Secrets of Acient Healing by Nick Polozzi   See the sign up at the top of the page.

Chakra Healing e-book by Sarah Petruno  Just find the subscribe box on her homepage and enter your email.

Love Letters by Susannah Conway   Find the Love Letter subscription on the right column of the blog.

Finding Your Path by Pace Smith    Sign up for the weekly eZine and get this e-book for free.

I know I'm leaving some out but that is enough for your inbox at once. If you find that you don't like being subscribed to any of these you can always unsubscribe but I'm gonna bet you like them all. I save my emails and post links they each send until I have time to devote my full attention because they are always so good.  

Monday, June 1, 2015

Summer is Magical

I am starting to feel that feeling I always get this time of year. I just feel so renewed. This morning I found this piece in my inbox written by Sarah Petruno  and it showed me why I might feel this way every summer:

"The first half of the year, traditionally, we spend turned within. In a period of hibernation and nesting, in the late winter and spring months, we focus on our internal stores.
We focus on making changes within and then, in the spring, we begin to plant seeds of change.
In early summer, we start to see ourselves flourish. We’ve done all the hard, internal work, and now is the time to turn our efforts to those around us.
Summer is the time of speaking truthfully that of which we’ve learned about ourselves, and practicing listening more deeply to others as they share their truths."
Gosh I just love reading that. I've read it several times now. To think that June marks the time for renewal, now that just makes me happy. 
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