I met Bryan (I call him B) in February 1997 and we were married in 2001. Marrying him was one of the best decision I’ve made. I always joked that I was chronically single when I met him, so it wasn’t an easy decision for me. He is the best husband, dad, son, brother, uncle and friend anyone could ever have. When I say things like that people tell me that I’m also a good person but I gotta tell ya, I am second rate in comparison to him.
We’ve kinda had an agreement since the beginning that we would love each other without one trying to change the other. I’m sure there are a lot of things that we could change about ourselves to better our life because we are not perfect people. The point is we don’t spend our lives focusing on lack. We have immense gratitude for what we have with each other. I never take it for granted and I don’t think that he does either. When I think of us together I could almost cry blood from my eyes just feeling how sacred the space is that we hold between us. It feels that deep.
People tell us all the time that we are suppose to argue and that it’s not normal that we don’t. We laugh at that when we are alone because we know how much easier our life is because we don’t argue. We have somehow discovered a way to keep our life less complicated by allowing each other to be exactly who we are and arguing does not fit into that.
We have changed a lot over the years. Most of the big changes came about because we are accepting of one another. Speaking for myself I can say my biggest change has been how accepting I’ve become and that came as a direct result of B loving me just like I am. I’ve never felt so safe to just be me. I think he would say the same thing if you ask him.
You cannot change anyone. Trying to change someone makes them hold tighter to the thing you are trying to change. People almost automatically go into defense mode when you try to strip away part of who they are, thereby strengthening their grasp to that element you want to change. Unless a person is doing harm to their self or another person, why would you want to change them? Loving a person unconditionally will have the most profound effect in regard to making someone a better person. I might suggest when you feel yourself wanting to change/correct someone, maybe resist the urge and do something nice for them instead. Rub their feet, buy them a gift or bake them a cake. When they ask why you are doing it (and they will if they are used to criticism) tell them, “Because I love you just the way you are.” If you do this a few times and it doesn’t change your life, I’ll bake YOU a cake.